Jenny Burrell

I can’t believe how time flies! We’re soldiering through another lockdown so not even going out anywhere exciting or doing anything much other than taking walks, eating and drinking. Yet I feel as if I go to sleep on Monday and wake up on Friday!

This is quite scary! Not only has a year been ‘wasted’ thanks to COVID, but I don’t have anything to show for it! A few more wrinkles and half a stone doesn’t count! Losing much loved family members is not what I want to look back on when thinking about 2020! I want to think of the good times, all the memories made and being blessed by having known them!

So I’m going to try desperately hard to find some positives! Sitting looking out of the conservatory window at the grey sky, naked trees and dead ferns and shrubs is not making this easy! Autumn was always my favourite season. I loved the smells, the beautiful colours and the almost tangible feeling that nature was winding down, getting ready for a well earned rest.

I have really appreciated living where I do, a stone’s throw from the countryside and long wonderful walks. I have seen, first hand, the arrival of spring. I have watched snowdrops, then daffodils, followed by tulips, primroses and the first bright green shoots appearing on the stark, bare trees. I have heard the spectacular dawn chorus as the sun rose above the hill on those clear, crisp, icy mornings.

On my walks I have seen so many different types of butterflies. Staying at home I have regularly fed the birds and become excited when nut hatches, woodpeckers and goldfinches joined the blue, great, long tailed and greater tits who usually feed throughout the year. Sparrows and pigeons are also regular visitors and we seem to have had a population explosion of grey squirrels. This is not good as they are classed as vermin, but they are quite cute.

I have also learnt to appreciate freedom! Meeting up with family and friends, enjoying evenings out at our local pub or restaurants, going to the gym. Spontaneity, going shopping, planning trips abroad, spur of the moment visits to National Trust stately homes and gardens, booking short breaks. How I appreciate and now miss something I always took for granted!

I am grateful that my husband and I are fit enough to go for long, brisk walks. Being at home all day we can often choose the time and duck the showers. I am lucky that my home is big enough for me to have my own space to write or listen to music. I am isolating with my best friend and this is also something I really appreciate! Life could have been a whole lot worse.

I am in regular contact with my children and their extended families . They are well and adhering to the COVID rules in this country and the US. My son has retained his sense of humour, a highly valued tonic and most appreciated!

The sky is still grey. I’m looking out the window at the bedraggled garden and bare, lifeless trees. But I do feel some optimism that we’ll get through this and reach the other side. I’ll never take freedom for granted ever again! This has to be a good thing! And how I long to hug my children and grandchildren. I’m focussing on that day …….👠

Post Lockdown1 and pre Lockdown2 my friend, a neighbour, held dance classes with a few of the ladies in our ‘cul de sac’. We were outside and at least two metres apart. We all felt COVID secure and this was important because a number of the participants are over seventy.

Two mornings a week, weather permitting, we met at the end of the close, away from traffic and exercised to pop songs of the late sixties and early seventies. I appreciated my friend, an ex PE teacher, for taking up her time in choreographing and supplying the music. Not being able to go the gym and, when it did open briefly, only offered equipment exercise, which isn’t my scene. I enjoy classes and find it very difficult to self motivate. Embarrassingly I have to own up to not partaking of anything other than marathon walking with my husband as my main form of exercise.

These twice weekly classes were fun and I got to chat to people other than my husband and get to know my neighbours better. I worked as hard as I could to get the most benefit. But then Lockdown2 brought in restrictions only allowing us to meet up with one other person outside. Holding these classes would have made us illegal and subject to a heavy fine if caught!

We all felt saddened and our WhatsApp group became a hive of activity. There was nothing stopping us from meeting up with a neighbour and having a walk. We have a three kilometre circuit outside our back garden so it was decided to meet on Friday, in pairs, at an agreed time. I wasn’t able to join but the text messages afterwards applauded its success.

I had one of my wakeful nights on Friday. I had an idea, which I shared with my friend over the weekend. There was nothing stopping us from meeting in pairs and keeping our distance as we did the circuit walk. But my friend bought into my idea of periodically stopping, doing a couple of minutes of exercises and then carrying on with our walk.

We did ‘jumping jacks’, ‘high knees’ and arm exercises and then ran up small sections of hills a couple of times. This increased our heart rate and we got vital vitamin D, which in now perceived to be important in the fight against COVID. It boosts immune systems and, at this time of year, the sun isn’t supplying! We were still legal and remained COVID secure! Win! Win!

So this virus isn’t going to be allowed to curtail vital exercise, important for mental and physical wellbeing. Of course, like with most outside activities in this country, the weather is the all deciding factor! But we aren’t going anywhere so can be flexible and take each day as it comes. We should hopefully manage at least twice a week. After these exercises I’ll go on our usual walk with my husband so he will also be catered for!

I have heard that one of the vaccines has out performed it’s trials and should become available by the end of this month. Of course I’ll be way down the list but at least the health workers, care homes and those especially vulnerable should get vaccinated by the end of the year. There is talk that we could all be back to normal by the spring. Dare I begin to hope?

I am getting desperate so have decided to live life on the edge! Perhaps it’s time to start looking forward to 2021! My husband wants to visit South America after we have seen our son and his family in the US. I’ve taken little notice when he reads out some of the tour details. Perhaps I’ll be a bit more interested? Heaven forbid if I actually start making proper holiday plans! That would see me leaping right out of my box! A rare sight indeed!

I’ll keep you posted! 👠

I’m sitting in the conservatory, heating on and listening to classic fm. I’m needing inspiration. It’s the beginning of another week and the weather forecast is awful from today until the weekend! We’re in a high risk Tier 2 Covid zone. This means we can’t socialise inside with anyone other than our immediate family or those who live in the same house.

So let me try and find some positives! My husband and I are relatively healthy. We can still dine out at our local pubs and restaurants, but just the two of us. We can meet up with friends but have to sit outside. Unfortunately it’s getting colder and wetter!

The garden still looks presentable but we have started to clear away the summer hostas, lillies and general ground cover. We’ve kept open the teak house, our heated gazebo at the bottom of the garden, in case we have friends over for drinks. All four sides are canvas and three stay open so there is plenty of through air! It’s just getting from the house to the gazebo carrying drinks in the pouring rain which is a bit of a deterrent!

If I was really into taking one day at a time and had managed to totally change the habit of a lifetime, I would wake up every day with a positive attitude. I would live in the moment and nothing would phase me. I’d fling open the curtains and take in the scene, the garden down below and the wood opposite. I’d automatically find beauty in whatever the weather was throwing at me. Currently the sun usually doesn’t have to work too hard but a grey, cold, windy, cloudy, wet day has to seriously pull out all the stops! And even then has virtually no chance of raising my spirits and bringing any kind of a smile to my face or a cheer to my heart!

Every morning my husband wouldn’t be bracing himself for the usual weather forecast. It’s given in either bland monotones if miserable or with a bit more enthusiasm if a hint of brightness shows up through the trees. Perhaps that is why he seldom answers and keeps his eyes tightly shut. Sometimes he whispers beneath the duvet that he’ll make up his own mind!

To get myself through this unnatural, weird world I soldier on trying to do something enjoyable every day. If I can get out for a walk it ticks a box. This isn’t always possible. So, on wet, really grotty days I have convinced my husband that we play scrabble over lunch. I did usually win but my husband gives competitiveness a whole new meaning! Any and every game is for winning! It’s never about just taking part!

But he is a clever man and soon began to learn the ropes and beat me, sometimes with embarrassingly high scores. So I have had to up my game significantly! I’m usually not too fussed about winning, but against my husband this had become my ‘raisin d’etre’!

So, this week, with the seriously wet, grey and grotty forecast, we will sometimes play scrabble over lunch. I can’t manage this every day, unfortunately, but every second or third day will see us extending our meal by a couple of hours! On the other wet days this week I have a hair appointment and we go to Leeds to clean my mother in law’s house and say our farewells to neighbours and friends. This takes up two days and we should get some walks in as well, fingers crossed! I have booked a meal for two on Friday evening and we are having friends over for a drink on Saturday. I have a zoom meeting with two good friends this afternoon. Other than the usual housework, I have something in my diary every day!

This is not taking each day as it comes, I realise that, but it just wouldn’t work for me! But perhaps I can have the best of both worlds! I can have double entries in my diary to cover all scenarios. Perhaps I’ll get two diaries, one for sunshine and one for rain! Alas, the weather is so changeable that I’d soon get very confused and have to combine them!

Or maybe I’ll just soldier on under these current circumstances and hope that the greater British public obey their tier rules and we can all get on with our lives! Or our clever scientists find a cure or a vaccine. Or perhaps I’ll just give in and go with the flow!

‘C’est la vie’? 👠

Despite being another year older I spent one of the most enjoyable evenings I’ve had for many months!

I haven’t been at home for a birthday for years! Most not intentional, just how holidays worked out when I was gainfully employed. The school holidays were always taken by parents with young children so I became used to booking time off in October (avoiding mid term). The weather also played an active role in this decision. It was either autumn or spring somewhere in the world so there was less chance of soaring temperatures which was my husband’s concern. He left England and moved to South Africa where he stayed for a number of years. And he has a real problem with heat! Weird or what?

Currently we have minimal holiday choices in the U K. The new Covid tier system has been introduced and with it, more debilitating restrictions. I needed to act quickly so found a five star boutique hotel in the Yorkshire dales that looked beautiful. I booked two rooms, one for my husband and I and the other for my daughter and her husband. We all desperately needed some family time together and a change of scenery.

The drive through the dales was stunning! We opened the roof of the car and got our fix of vitamin D. The seat heater was on and I wrapped my jacket around my legs because the temperature had barely reached 10C. I was warm. We had turned off the motorway onto small country lanes which made my husband drive slower. The scenery could be enjoyed, not just a blur as we sped past!

We stopped for lunch at a very Covid secure, cosy pub near a viaduct. Rows of cars were parked on either side of the road so I wasn’t sure if we could get a table. However, the pub was relatively empty (it was past 2:00 pm) so the cars probably belonged to hikers. Replete, but with storm clouds building, we continued our journey in a closed car, which was a wise decision. The heavens soon opened but the views, when we could see through the mist, were still stunning.

We drove on through Wensleydale and into Swaledale. It had stopped raining so we booked into the hotel and went for a walk around the village. The shops had already closed as it was after 5:00 pm so we window shopped and then headed over the bridge and into the countryside. Everything looked fresh and clean. Leaves have only just begun to turn colour and the river Swale wound lazily along the side of the road, occasionally bubbling over stones, glistening in the late afternoon sunshine. It felt as if time had stood still. Not many people were out and about as it was getting close to their tea time so we had the place to ourselves!

Being a normal working day for my daughter and her husband we were only expecting them in time for the evening meal. There was a bottle of champagne waiting for us when we joined them. A lovely surprise! Glasses were filled, toasts made and the evening begun just as I had hoped. An aged gentlemen came in and sat in the corner nursing his glass so we tried to keep the noise levels down. My daughter and I can get very animated. Throw in champagne and we’re off!

The meal was superb. There were a few other diners so we did try not to disturb them! Both men had to periodically remind us! But I haven’t laughed as much for a long time. We returned to the now empty lounge for coffees and, by the time we nudged elbows goodnight (I haven’t been able to hug my daughter for months!) I felt as if life was almost looking rosy again! I had spoken to my son, who had taken himself off for a few days camping in the White Mountains in New Hampshire in the US. My daughter in law rang when we had finished our meal so also spoke to my two grandchildren. My brother had rung earlier and I had seen a number of Facebook and WhatsApp messages. A good day and a superb evening!

So, another year has passed. I had spent my last birthday in New Zealand. The year before that in South Africa. Next year? Covid defeated? I can but live in hope ……👠

I have recently been invited to join a WhatsApp group of school friends. We should have celebrated reaching a milestone year since matriculating, but Covid has put paid to that!

I was born and lived in a coastal town in the Eastern Cape in South Africa. Eighteen months before sitting my final exams my father was transferred to the Northern Cape. I already belong to a Facebook group for my final eighteen months of schooling and now have joined a WhatsApp group for the earlier eleven and a half years!

Although it has been good to catch up with old friends, it has also brought back memories that are not so good! Some children sail through school, are confident, clever and popular. They have minimal, if any, insecurities and look back with much fondness on teachers and friends. Then there are others, like me, who didn’t quite fit into this category!

I was very timid, very nervous and had a stammer. Children can be cruel. In our day bullying was par for the course and I hardly ever complained, just got on with it. My bullies were never violent, just mean and unpleasant. I dreaded having to answer questions in class so rarely put my hand up to respond. This made me look a whole lot ‘dumber’ than I was so add that to the mix and a lot of my early school years were anything but enjoyable!

So, when I look at photographs of past classmates I can still feel some old insecurities creeping back. As I reached puberty and hormonal changes kicked in I suffered with the dreaded spots! I had curly hair when the craze was long and straight and I was very skinny.

But then Twiggy arrived on the scene. What a huge confidence boost! I managed to persuade my mother to let me have a Twiggy haircut and, if it wasn’t wet and windy (very rarely not windy!), learnt how to straighten my hair by clipping the fringe down every night with masses of hair pins! I had Twiggy’s skinny body and her hairstyle. Not exactly looking like her was a slight problem but two out of three ain’t bad!

But I still had my stammer which resulted in some good and some not so good days. On my good days I could read out loud in the class and answer questions. On the not so good days I could hardly say a word and with acute embarrassment, stumbled through a sentence until the teacher took pity on me and allowed me to sit down. I can still feel the intense shame and humiliation. I can still hear the jibes and sarcastic comments. Looking at some of the ‘old girls’ who posted photographs on WhatsApp I can still feel some of my old discomfort creeping back.

However, I did make some good friends and one in particular. She lived just down the road. I have known her since I was ten years old. Second only to my cousin, this friend is the only person who goes back that far! I have moved many times, even moving countries, but my cousin, this friend and I have always kept in contact.

And then I discovered boys! I was at an all girls school. I listened with silent envy as the popular girls shared their romantic weekends with all those willing to listen. I was very willing! The ratio of girls to boys was five to one. Five girls to one boy. So I moved into a fantasy world where the boy who looked like Davy Jones from the Monkees noticed me and we danced into the sunset! I never had a boyfriend in the Eastern Cape. However, moving to the town in the Northern Cape the ratio was turned on its head! Five boys to one girl!

So my final eighteen months at my new school brought its own insecurities! I had so much work to catch up as some of my subjects and the syllabus had changed. And I had a boyfriend! I also had a Latin teacher who told me to ignore her class and concentrate on my other subjects. I would never pass and get the university exemption I needed!

I passed my matriculation exams with a university exemption. I kept my boyfriend but I didn’t make any lasting friends at this school. The bullying was significantly less. I never fitted in and never felt part of the class. And yet I had been asked to this school reunion and have kept in contact with some of the ‘old girls’!

I have moved on. My stammer is nowhere near as bad and doesn’t bother me. It’s part of who I am. I still have good and not so good days. I have lived a fulfilling and eventful life. I have two beautiful children and two equally beautiful grandchildren. I have a loving husband and, although not the most confident of people, have some wonderful friends. I have left behind most of the unhappy insecurities of my youth. I had a good job which I loved and which made me realise my true potential. I am now happily retired.

I am surprised that, looking back on some of those faces, albeit many years older, they have still managed to bring back those unhappy memories. I can’t go back and change history. I am grateful that I didn’t let it rule or ruin my life. Perhaps I’ll go to both school reunions next year? Maybe I need to bury old ghosts? This is not a pressing decision which has to be made immediately. I have planted the seed. Another pending lockdown will give it time to grow. And who knows what next year will bring? I am very grateful I don’t have a crystal ball …..👠

With restrictions still firmly in place and no wish to fly off to ‘foreign climes’, we decide to visit the Isle of Wight. Friends had recommended a hotel, likening it to Fawlty Towers, so curiosity and a desperate desire for a break, found us in Southampton last Monday morning.

As usual, nothing ever goes exactly according to plan! We had a ferry booked for 4:00 pm. We were over an hour early so I rang the ferry company and asked if we could change our booking, ‘No problem’, came the cheery reply, ‘just let your hotel know your new ETA’.

We waited in the ferry queue, as usual choosing the wrong one! Ours hardly moved and time was marching on. Finally we arrived at the gatehouse and I showed the surly looking woman in the kiosk the bar code on my phone. I was told that we were an hour early. I could see my husband’s hackles beginning to rise. He doesn’t do queues at all well and was already irritated.

I explained about the ticket change and were told that it hadn’t been registered and the ferry was full! We were shown the exit and told to come back at 3:30 pm. After calling the ferry company again and being told that the person who had helped us earlier was new and had no right to change our booking, we got compensation and the early ferry! By the skin of our teeth!

The hotel was spotlessly clean. The staff were nothing like Fawlty Towers! My husband thought it was because the building was old and a bit ‘shabby chic’. I’ll find out when I see our friends again …. The seating in the dining room was arranged with care. The hotel was only three quarters full and we had to book for breakfast and dinner to avoid gridlock at the entrance. I couldn’t fault them. Masks were worn inside the hotel and only taken off when we sat down at our tables.

The weather was fantastic! Day one saw brilliant sunshine with highs of 24C. Almost too warm for my husband but just perfect for me! We walked to ‘The Needles’, originally four stacks of chalk but one had collapsed in a storm in the 1700’s. This collapsed stack was shaped like a needle, not the three remaining! They are detached from the headland and a lighthouse, which has saved many lives over the years, was built at the end if the third stack.

We visited the Old Battery which was initially built to protect the naval dockyards at Portsmouth from French invasions and now maintained by the National Trust. Further up the headland we saw the New Battery which was eventually used to secretly test British space rockets from the 1950’s to the 1970’s. Later, guns at both the Old and New Batteries were strategically placed to offer protection during both world wars. These guns were initially thrown into the sea when no longer in use, but were later salvaged for display!

Making our way back, twenty thousand steps later and a very happy Fitbit, we saw the different coloured rock formations along the cliff at Alum Bay. A spectacular sight with the sea shimmering in the brilliant sunshine. A two seater Spitfire flying circuits overhead was the cherry on the top for my husband! A day to remember, so different from the months stuck at home struggling to sort out my mother in law’s house and both mothers’ on-going probate issues!

The next morning dawned bright and sunny. After a good breakfast we headed off to Fort Victoria. Another challenge because the tide had only just begun to go out. We had to scramble over rocks and thick shrubs to reach the public footpath. Unfortunately we took a wrong turn at the fort so our circular walk wasn’t quite as expected. After trying to get wifi access as we had somehow gone ‘off piste’ we had to come back along the same path! Something we always try to avoid!

That afternoon we had booked a visit to Osbourne House, Queen Victoria’s ‘holiday cottage’! We donned our masks but were only allowed to enter in pairs and should have kept to these restrictions. However, this proved impractical. My husband likes to study and read up on every item displayed so we were soon overtaken. It did surprise and annoy me when members of the public seemed to forget the two metre rule and leaned over my shoulder to examine paintings. I had to remind a few of them! We wandered around the gardens and I loved all the old trees, shrubs and the masses of rhododendrons planted so many years ago and still flourishing. I decided that I could live there!

So, after a very enjoyable three days not having to worry about meals and away from unpleasant family disagreements, we drove to the ferry and headed home. Back to our new normal and already planning another few days away somewhere closer as the weather would soon be changing. We need to do our bit for the economy and the hospitality business!

I have always loved autumn. This year it is tinged with sadness and huge uncertainty. We have lost some dear family members and the coronavirus shows no signs of departing our fair shores! But the sun is still shining today and I watch as the leaves from our ash tree slowly lose their grip and flutter down on to the newly mown lawn. Life carries on. The seasons haven’t been affected. There is some normality still in this strange, troublesome world. Thankfully I don’t have a crystal ball. Imagine, on New Years Eve last year, I had peered into it and seen the misery and devastation of 2020! Just doesn’t bear thinking about! 👠

I am not happy about writing this blog but feel the need to share!

The old saying that you can chose your friends but not your family has struck home. I can now relate to this and it is not something that brings my husband and I any pleasure or comfort.

When my mother in law passed away she left her will and a ‘wish list’. We knew about her ‘wish list’ and her eldest son, my husband, was put in charge of its distribution. Two years ago I spent a very depressing Christmas Day listening to my mother in law’s detailed funeral and cremation service requests, the wake, her will and her ‘wish list’.

My mother in law was always fair and left her three sons, daughters in law and grandchildren jewellery, furniture and art work. My father was a renowned South African artist so our walls were full! I have had to make way for some of my husband’s inheritance so paintings have been mothballed. However, the 18th century sideboard, beautiful as it is, was too big to fit into our house even when we had made the space!

My mother in law had barely passed away before the youngest son and his wife were in the house. They did kindly tidy up but also, much to the annoyance of my husband, threw out food stuff, some not passed their sell by dates, clothing and other ‘things’ deemed worthless. They rearranged rooms and removed bedding. This baffled me because no one had discussed their ‘new role’ and I felt that my husband should have been informed before any household items were removed. But, as the ‘in law’, I took a back seat and didn’t get involved.

This is where I made my first mistake. There are ways of offering subtle advice without being nosey and interfering! Alas, my husband always sees the best in people and certainly never had any cause to doubt the honesty of his younger brother and his wife. Because I also like to be fair and take a balanced view, my husband didn’t immediately let his brothers know about the handful of items, all worthless but with strong sentimental value, that he had taken. I’m presuming this oversight, and it genuinely was an oversight, will always be regretted. Was this the catalyst youngest brother and wife needed to help themselves?

This is what I should have done. Taken a photograph and sent it to the two brothers. A couple of weeks later I did have a conversation with youngest brother’s wife after finding items missing. I stressed that, if any of us wanted anything, to let everyone know. I once more apologised for our initial oversight. My husband had been so busy trying to sort out probate, mail, bank accounts, and many administrative nightmares involved in the death of a loved one. He also didn’t think that anyone would have wanted the two ornaments and a fire guard!

Our tastes are very different and I was sure that we could all easily be accommodated. But we needed transparency and I was determined to try my level best to avoid any family fallout. My mother in law had so many problems with her sister and brother in law removing family heirlooms. Unfortunately both her siblings had died first. To perpetuate this debacle would be unforgivable! All three brothers were aware of the unpleasantness and extreme pain this had caused their mother!

The first incident occurred when a large number of semi precious ‘eggs’ went ‘missing’. Being generally unobservant, my husband and I had noticed different arrangements on shelves and empty spaces so decided to become more ‘aware’. But the hole in the huge bowl of ‘eggs’ was obvious! After my sister in law adamantly insisted that she had only taken four for her daughter, younger brother felt bad and brought eighteen back! This only partly filled the hole!

I am sitting on the floor in an almost empty house which feels as if it has been ransacked. Youngest brother and wife, over the weeks, have systematically removed objects of value. When questioned they decided that one of my mother in law’s neighbours, who has kept an eye on the house and my mother in law over the years, must be a thief! So they changed the front door lock. This has not stopped the ‘thefts’!

What I find so incredibly sad is that the majority of the china and trinkets they have taken are because of their value and not because they genuinely like them. I know that my mother in law would have loved having her precious china and trinkets adorn her boys houses. Taking these objects is not the issue. It’s the reason why they were taken, to sell for their own gain, which is so distasteful!

So, a second generation continues along this path of greed and selfishness. Another family is torn apart. As the years go by I wonder if youngest brother and wife will look back with any regrets? Or will they continue to self righteously insist that they were owed the extra money and that the breakup of a family was worthwhile? We’ll probably never know. 👠

I need to change. No, I have got to change the habit of a lifetime! I have reached the stage where options have run out and I am staring into an abyss of medication and potential health issues for the rest of my life.

As anyone who knows me can vouch that I do a really good worry. And an even better panic! I can go from zero to manic in a spilt second! However, while I’m almost levitating and my blood pressure has reached astronomical levels, I hear a little voice!

I have a very brief moment of lucidity as this tiny voice of reason tries desperately hard to be heard. It pleads with me to calm down and be rational! But that’s the problem. The voice is far too soft and immediately gets ignored! Years of listening to an irrational foghorn, which takes control at the drop of a hat, drowns out anything else!

It triggers physical side effects, starting with a pounding heart. I feel rather than see a nightmare unfolding. But it’s not a dream that I can wake up and the nightmare is over! It’s reality! Worst case scenarios, each one more awful and debilitating than the last, come rushing at me from all angles! At this stage I can feel my chest beginning to heave as I desperately try to control my breathing.

This is not a ‘panic attack’ which I have heard is very unpleasant! This is an anxiety episode brought on by something I have found shocking that has happened ‘out if the blue’! The imagery that follows is based around a specific phone call, a sudden health scare or bad news in whatever form, relating to my family. These are examples but all linked to a tangible, physical situation. This is not a red mist of rage or anger. I have little problems with basic self control. This is when I suddenly experience uncontrollable fear!

And still the little voice doesn’t give up and quietly persists through my torment. Eventually, when I have examined all angles, got as much information as possible and analysed the situation, again and again, I do finally stop and listen to the little voice.

But, alas, the emotional and physical stress I have inflicted on my body over the years is getting harder to ignore and even harder to heal. Fortunately this is not a regular occurrence, but enough to have left it’s mark!

All these years of constant worry, a stressful job, some medical negligence and bad life choices have led me to this point. I have hypertension, which now has to be medically treated and monitored. Unfortunately, as with all medication, it comes with side effects which can sometimes be worse that the complaint!

And then bring on months of lockdown living in virtual isolation, gyms shut so even exercise, my cure all, is curtailed! Of course my husband and I can get out and walk, which we do. We have discovered many new routes and try to make them as interesting as possible. But there is always the British weather! There are days when even trying to duck the showers doesn’t make walking possible.

Not one to give up without a fight I have decided to try looking at alternative options to control these anxiety ‘attacks’ and bring my blood pressure down naturally. A dose of pragmatism wouldn’t go amiss either! Mindfulness has been around for a while. I have a friend who swears by it’s physical as well as mental powers. Just being able to take a step back under pressure would be so good! And learn to listen to the voice of reason before the foghorn takes over!

A few weeks ago I downloaded a suggested app. I try to devote half an hour in the morning to relaxation and positive imagery. I cannot expect miracles. My brain has to be rewired, which will definitely take time! It’s old and not very flexible! It’s locked into panic mode! Im probably going to subconsciously hang on to this habitual space for a while!

But I need to allow the quiet voice of reason more ‘air’ time. I have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain! I’m not going to be greedy or unrealistic! Hopefully patience, definitely not a virtue, will be allowed a chance to grow as well!

It’s early days and I’ll have some good and some not so good. I am a negative realist! I always err on the side of caution! But, stranger things have happened! Perhaps even this aged leopard can change her spots! Watch this space …… 👠

Grandchildren are so special! Even when they live in another country, which prevents us from having a close relationship with them, I would hate to think about a life without them! They are an integral part of our family and a topic of conversation when we speak to either our son or daughter in law!

My thoughts are tinged with some sadness when I go back over the years since they were born. We have never had the privilege of being ‘just down the road’. My husband and I both worked so it was only ever weekend visits. As they got older we used to meet half way on a Saturday morning and take them back on a Sunday evening. This is the closet we ever got to spending extended quality time with them and I cherish these memories.

My mother was still alive when the family lived close enough for weekend visits. I wanted her to see them too so we often arranged either a Saturday afternoon outing, which included her, or I’d take the children to visit on the Sunday morning. We’d plan something special for the children on Saturday afternoons and visited many museums, soft play areas, Legoland and even took my grandson to Anfield to see Liverpool’s football ground. We also visited their overpriced shop for a memento!

We did have some very amusing incidents. One that springs to mind was the Saturday we packed a picnic lunch, collected my mother and drove to a small beach in Wales. It was early March and not warm! As usual, there was a coastal wind which lowered the temperature quite significantly. The children were ‘layered up’ but my mother and I definitely weren’t adequately prepared! It had not been long since my father had passed away. My mother was quite depressed and kept on looking up at the sky, making comments about the clouds. There were a lot of them! She decided to stay in the car.

My grandson took one look at the sea shore and shot off, followed closely by Grandad, who couldn’t wait to explore the rock pools! That left my granddaughter and I not showing their level of excitement! Taking her hand we walked slowly down the steps and onto the sand with a distinct lack of enthusiasm, but I tried!

Alas, my granddaughter wasn’t impressed with the cold, the wind and the stinging sand. She was also feeling hungry so we soon headed back to the car finding my mother standing outside and staring up at the sky. I opened the boot and gave my granddaughter her juice bottle and poured a cup of tea from the flask for my mother and I. The warm liquid was very soothing. We were soon finding shelter at the side of the car as we ate our ham sandwiches, watching the two boys pouring over the rock pools.

My grandson eventually ran back up the beach and was soon tucking into his sandwich and a drink. All replete we strapped the children into their seats with my mother, the arbiter, in the middle. Not far down the road my granddaughter wanted some juice and asked me for her bottle. After explaining that I had given it to her earlier there followed an altercation with her brother when she asked if she could have a sip of his.

‘No,’ came his prompt reply. ‘You’ll spit all over it!’

‘Granny, please tell him I won’t spit on his juice bottle!’ she wailed.

My mother was trying to hold the peace and asked her great grandson to let his sister have a sip of his juice.

‘No’! He was adamant. She’s probably sitting on her bottle with her fat bottom!’

My husband pretended that nothing was happening but I needed to prevent a world war!

‘Let’s play ‘I Spy’’, I suggested. We’ll find your bottle just now. Let your brother start.

And then it was my granddaughter’s turn ‘I spy with my little eye something beginning with ‘wuh’’.

We tried everything starting with a W or an R! My granddaughter became more animated begging us to give up! Finally, to her delight, we did.

‘Wosie Pwimwose!’ She shouted in glee. ‘I win!’

That was the onset of world war three. My grandson yelled at his sister. ‘You are so stupid! How can you ask us if we can see your friend’s hamster Rosie Primrose!’

My husband stopped the car and we searched for the missing juice bottle. My granddaughter was sitting on it, much to the delight of her brother! I had also discovered that marshmallows were a cure all so the rest of the journey was quiet and largely uneventful.

My grandchildren are growing up so fast. My grandson is sixteen and his sister will be thirteen in October. I’m not sure when we’ll be able to travel to America again. Certainly not anytime soon!

But, one day, the world will get back to normal. We’ll meet up again and make some more precious memories. I can’t wait ………..👠

This has not been a good year for anyone. We’ve all suffered through the Covid lockdown which has brought its own challenges. But I have also lost a number of family members, which has been devastating.

I have explained, in earlier blogs, about the loss of my mother and mother in law. My husband’s brother lost his long term partner last month. These deaths have been heartbreaking. My mother, mother in law and sister in law had underlying health issues but this did not make their deaths any less painful.

But, a few days ago, my cousin, only sixty two, passed away from Covid. This death I find very difficult to process and understand the total devastating loss felt by his family.

My mother’s younger sister was her best friend. We grew up together as one big happy family in a small town in South Africa. My childhood was based around this close family unit and I look back on those years with much happiness. I am five months older than my eldest cousin. We remain close even though I now live in England. Her brother, who has just sadly passed away and my brother, were soul mates. They could play together for hours with never a cross word coming between them!

We moved to another town when I was fifteen and then marriage and children led us along different paths. But we never lost touch. In 2018 my husband and I spent a wonderful two weeks in South Africa with my cousin and her husband. She arranged a couple of days visiting her brother and his wife and we remember this time filled with much fun, laughter and reminiscing.

He was a real character, one of life’s gentlemen and loved his family above all else. He had retired so spent his days fishing and wandering along the beach front fascinated by the many ever-changing rock pools. He thoroughly enjoyed having the time to ‘do his own thing’ after years in a very stressful job. He had a telescope facing the sea and loved watching dolphins swim past his veranda. He was one of the most contented, happy and relaxed people I knew and I envied his deep sense of inner peace.

So it is with a very heavy heart that I will never see him again. This time last year his son had arranged a hospitality suite at Manchester United, the team he avidly supported for many years. His younger sister lives in England and they were in London for his nephew’s wedding. We live much closer to Manchester so my cousin and his brother in law visited us for the weekend.

They arrived on the Friday evening and we had a marvellous time catching up on family news. They were both so excited and couldn’t wait for Saturday! It was my cousin’s dream come true! Their ‘challenge’ catching a tram and losing each other on their return journey, was hysterical. A barbecue aided by a few beers brought this fun packed day to and end. Waving them both off on Sunday morning, after a full English breakfast, I would never have guessed that it was going to be the final farewell. I would never have believed it possible! Life could not be that cruel?

But, alas, a year later, I sat in the office watching my South African family celebrating the life of a much loved, respected and devoted husband, father, son, brother, family member and dear friend! He has left wonderful memories and a lasting legacy to ensure he’ll be gone but never forgotten.

Rest In Peace.