Jenny Burrell

Christmas was always going to be different this year. We had heard the mantra from the government months ago and knew it was a fair assessment! COVID wouldn’t take a break and allow us to see family and friends without spreading and sharing it’s viral load! We didn’t need scientists to work that one out!

So, when the surprise announcement came that we were allowed five days of freedom to mingle with three families and be allowed to cross boarders into all countries within the United Kingdom, it was received with disbelief! But then excitement set in and plans were made, turkeys ordered and presents bought! Alas, a few days later this had changed to one other family and one day! Christmas Day!

For my husband and I it was always going to be just my daughter and her husband. The only border we were going to cross was between Cheshire and Yorkshire! Both counties were in tier two so there wasn’t going to be any cross-contamination! We had booked the B&B. My daughter and I had discussed COVID security so would minimise potential infection risks. We were going to have a good time despite this sword of Damocles hanging over us and the whole country!

And we did have a good time! We started our visit with breakfast on Christmas morning because the owner of our outrageously expensive B&B had decided not to serve meals. No one was going into our room during the duration of our stay and not for a further thirty six hours after we left on Boxing Day. We felt like lepers but I consoled myself in the knowledge that anyone staying there would get the same treatment!

We had a delicious goose with two stuffings, zoomed our families in America and Australia and played scrabble. I helped to feed the animals, spoiling them with their Christmas presents, carrots for the horses, brown bread for the chickens, lettuce for the geese and fancy tinned foods and chewy treats for the dogs and cats!

So another Christmas has come and gone! For us it wasn’t a white one but today the snow has arrived! Photographs were taken and sent to friends and family in warmer climes! The fire was lit and, after a slippery walk down the back roads, I’m feeling snug and warm inside our house!

It’s been two and a half years since I became a ‘Lady of Leisure’! Two and a half year that I have waited to be snowed in and not having to dig my car out of the drive. My husband and I were usually the only two scraping the road up our steep hill and spreading grit! Our younger neighbours waited for us to finish this laborious task before they left for work! It used to really annoy me but we needed to leave early to avoid the traffic! Today it’s a bank holiday and most people are working from home anyway!

But I shan’t let this small irritation get in the way of spoiling my day. It’s relatively bright and not raining! It’s stopped snowing and already beginning to get dark. It has also begun to freeze. Luckily I filled the bird feeder yesterday. It had become a hive of activity just before sunset.

I’m about to pour myself a glass of red wine and sit in front of the fire. The lights from the Christmas tree in the sitting room are silhouetted against the conservatory window and sparkling on the white snow. The tall, leafless trees in the wood at the bottom of the garden are standing stark and still above their snowy white fluffy carpet. It is indeed a Winter Wonderland! Outside my back garden! I feel blessed! Just beautiful! 👠

My body is giving me a rough time! It’s not coping very well with lockdown. Not happy with visits to the hospital and doctors over the last few months, my teeth have now decided to join this new ‘Health Club!’

I had a sore tooth. I ignored it for a few days, only eating on the right side of my mouth. It’s not all that easy! Food migrates and I wasn’t prepared to go the liquid only route! Eventually I had to throw in the towel and phone the dentist!

Like each hospital visit I received a COVID phone call. Have I got a persistent cough, a temperature, a change in my sense of taste and smell? Have I tested positive to COVID? Have I been with someone who has tested positive? Have I been contacted by ‘Test, Track and Trace’? Have I been asked to self isolate? Have I been abroad within the last fourteen days? Having received a number of these calls I could preempt the questions and just say no to all of them. But each receptionist or hospital worker needs to tick all the boxes so I had to patiently (it’s getting harder!) listen to all the options, over and over and over again!

Twenty four hours after the COVID check I got another phone call from the dentist’s receptionist. I have to wait in the car when I arrive. The dentist will phone me when she is ready. I will have to wear a mask, sanitise my hands, have my temperature taken and, using my NHS COVID app, register the venue. A suggestion to get to the surgery a few minutes early because parking was a problem, was added as an optional extra.

I knew I’d need a filling! I really do not like going to the dentist. This is a huge understatement but I’ll leave it at that! I am, after all, a big girl now and half a stone heavier thanks to lockdowns!

I got to the surgery early which was fortunate. I drove around the block at least four times before finding suitable parking. I knew that it would be easier getting in than out but would cross that bridge later! The phone call came, as prepped! I passed the first hurdle and got to the dentist’s door. A large plastic container was at the entrance. I was asked to remove my glasses and mask and place them in the container together with my car keys, mobile and jacket. The lid was sealed and I was allowed to enter.

The dentist and her assistant were unrecognisable in their full PPE garb. This is not a complaint. They need all the protection they can get. I just wasn’t expecting it! After examination I did need a filling. The old one had cracked so part of it would be replaced. Because of the need to drill (that’s why I don’t like dentist!), I had to have the first appointment in the morning after the nightly full sterilisation. The surgery would have to close for a couple of hours to re-sterilise before allowing a new patient.

This coronavirus has certainly created a climate of extreme fear and caution! Once more, this is not a complaint, just another observation! And back to square one with another COVID telephone call, waiting patiently for the questions with all the same negative answers! This was followed by the second call explaining the procedure to get into the surgery. I survived and had the tooth filled a week later.

But, my body was on a roll with the tooth leading the way! The old filling decided that it wasn’t going to share space with the new one and left! It fell out two days later. Take three ……

I’m sitting in the conservatory looking out at a dank, grey sky and watching the mizzling rain. But today I don’t care. In fact, I am glad that I can’t get out for a walk. I’m self isolating for the last weekend before my final hospital procedure on Monday. In fact, I hope it rains all weekend! This sounds churlish but at this stage, weekend number three, I really don’t care!

Roll on Christmas! I desperately need some good cheer, good food and good company! And I’ll make my pathetic body carry even more weight! Serves it right! I’ll show it who’s boss! 👠

I’ve started Christmas shopping. Unlike a few of my friends who have smugly finished wrapping theirs, I have never been that organised. I used to blame my job until two years ago when I became a ‘Lady of Leisure’ so that excuse doesn’t hold!

But I do have an excuse! I have no imagination when it comes to gifts. I used to give vouchers and justified this two ways. I worked so had little time and it was so much better to allow recipients their own choice. Throw in the January sales and it’s a win win!

I stopped the vouchers last year which resulted in panic buying! My husband is little help and we spent days wandering aimlessly around the shops trying to decide on gifts. This year I don’t want to spend any more time than absolutely necessary in crowded shops! If only I knew what to buy!

Earlier this week we spent the morning in Chester to start our Christmas shopping. My husband wanted a watch. Now that’s a whole shopping experience on its own! I have never seen anyone, nor could I ever have imagined anyone, so careful when shopping (he’s a Yorkshireman!). We started by looking in the windows. We circumnavigated Chester and then went through the precinct. We managed to whittle down the jewellery shops to three after having examined at least ten windows!

Because I hardly ever have the opportunity to ‘frock up’ I was wearing high heeled boots and a jumper recently purchased on line but not particularly warm. However, it looked good! Not a lot of protection from the winter wind but not considered when I dressed that morning. Two hours into our trip I felt as if I was walking on hot coals! I was desperate to sit down and rip off those boots! And I was freezing!

My patience was wearing very thin. I hadn’t done any other Christmas shopping! But we did, however, ‘briefly’ digress from watches and moved on to jackets! There was a closing down sale in a sports store. My husband needed a new anorak so the next half an hour was spent trying on two! I kid you not! Only two! Eventually even the sales assistant was looking like he was losing the will to live! I needed to take control and told my husband that it was now or never. He had to make a decision! He took neither. I slunk out, my feet reaching a new level of pain and shivered as the icy artic wind roared through my new jumper!

So back to the watch! I managed to get him inside a jeweller’s shop and he was quickly accosted by a young, eager saleswoman! I had spotted a chair and made a beeline for it! Oh what bliss! I was warm and my feet weren’t pounding the pavements and inflicting debilitating pain! I could have spent the rest of the day sitting in that chair! In fact, when a watch was finally chosen and paid for, I had to force myself to stand up and leave my new ‘happy place’! Life could be so cruel!

I managed to struggle around a few more shops and, ticking off gifts from my crumpled list, ended the purgatory at the supermarket. The last challenge was climbing up three flights of stairs to the car park. My husband never uses a lift unless absolutely necessary! Laden with parcels was not deemed a good enough reason to change the habit of a lifetime!

The journey home was sheer bliss. I switched on the car seat heater, leaned back and made a mental note never to wear high heels to Chester ever again. The cobbled streets were so quaint but definitely not designed for impractical footwear! The chance to ‘frock up’ on my next visit will stop before I reach my feet! Flat, sturdy boots will be the order of the day!

So I’m back sitting in the conservatory with a coffee and scanning the internet for gift ideas. I am feeling warm and pain free as I finish my Christmas shopping in the comfort of my home! An added bonus is thar I’m not in close contact with any potential virus spreaders either! My husband will be going to the January sales on his own next year. His anorak will last until then!

I’m looking out at the setting sun. My Fitbit is not happy! I haven’t had my usual daily walk. I have to have a ‘procedure’ at the hospital over three Monday evenings, starting last week. I need three COVID tests and have to isolate for four days before each visit! But that will be another story! Life just keeps on giving, dishing out more and more surprises!👠

I must be a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. If I need to defend myself, this time of year has not always been my happiest.

My son and his family have lived in the US for five years. Before they emigrated we had Christmas with them in Kent. I didn’t put up any decorations that year because we weren’t going to be at home on Christmas Day. That set the precedent!

So, last year was the first time I had a Christmas tree for years! It had languished in the loft together with decorations acquired when the children still lived at home. My US family and my daughter and her husband were celebrating Christmas with us on the 27th December! This warranted the exception!

This year we are spending Christmas with my daughter. There was no need to get the tree down and spend ages prizing open the branches and dusting off the decorations. But, three things made me change my mind and ‘leap out of my box’! It’s been a rubbish year, one I’m sure most of us would like to forget! The weather has been awful with many varied shades of grey, all equally depressing! And I felt uncharitable!

The neighbour opposite has made her large bay window and garden very festive! I enjoyed looking across at the lights all shining brightly, lifting my spirits significantly. The evenings are so dark and cheerless. Every little bit of help is gratefully accepted! I needed to reciprocate!

So, the tree is up in the sitting room, strategically placed in the middle of the large window. Every evening either my husband or I turn on the lights. We sit in the conservatory and look out across the green to the neighbours house opposite and smile when our eyes alight on our own equally sparking offering!

I spoke to my daughter in law in the US last week. She told me how her autumn decorations were being replaced by Christmas ones. She always ‘dresses’ her house again after thanksgiving and really enjoys celebrating the seasons and festivals. She was surprised when I told her that I wasn’t going to bother. I think ‘horrified’ might have been closer to the mark but she managed to control the tone in her voice! However, I felt ashamed and couldn’t shake off the feeling!

Nest week brings its own challenges! Today I’m feeling quietly smug. I made the effort despite my initial Scrooge intentions! It’s the weekend. Our house is warm and cozy and bright and my husband is about to build our first fire of the winter.

A glass of red wine as I stare dreamily into the flames is all I’m asking for now! I’ll cross bridges later when I get to them! 👠

So we are allowed to have Christmas! Life gets ever more bizarre! Who could have made this up? There was a very good chance that Christmas was going to be cancelled! We’re not living in a communist country nor under a dictatorship! But we have been taken over by a virus that doesn’t recognise Christmas and certainly won’t be taking any time off!

Struggling through our second lockdown I was trying to find something positive to look forward to. In the last week we have been told of three potential vaccines which just have to pass final U.K. safety checks. If all goes well early December has been muted as the start of roll out. We won’t be first in the queue but at least there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

But the tunnel we are struggling through is very dark, very long and an obstacle course! It will take many weeks and possibly months to reach the light. That was until the announcement that Christmas can be celebrated! A lantern has appeared to light up part of our way. Unfortunately the lantern comes with a huge caveat! It will increase our risk of catching COVID!

Three families are allowed to meet up over five days. I just want to meet up with one family! My daughter and her husband! We’ll stay in a B&B and spend a few hours with them on Christmas Day. Any time will be precious and most appreciated. If windows are opened periodically, the fresh air dilutes the virus! There must be no hugging and social distance must be kept whenever possible. All these rules but they are there to protect us!

I have no problem obeying sensible rules! Some feel that rules are there to be broken but I find this behaviour selfish and unacceptable especially when relating to COVID! Putting others lives at risk because you are a ‘covidiot’ is prolonging this pandemic. It has resulted in so much pain and death. I would like these ‘covidiots’ to be banned from all treatment if they succumb to the virus! Unfortunately the NHS would be humane and treat them anyway!

Whilst I’m in ‘whinge mode’ let me share my thoughts on anti-vaxxers! I belong to an ‘old girls’ WhatsApp group who seem convinced that the scientists are out to get them! Astra Zeneca is the latest company accused of malevolence. None are qualified to pass judgment but their unsubstantiated claims could prevent vulnerable people from getting vaccinated! Astra Zeneca are adamant that they are not going to make any profit! Why would they be trying to steal our DNA (not joking!) or infect us? Why can’t the scientists in Oxford be applauded for working day and night to bring this awful pandemic to an end! The mind boggles!!!

Cheshire will go back into Tier2 after lockdown ends next week. That means that pubs and restaurants can open but we can’t meet up with friends. We can only go as a couple. Better than nothing! Non essential shops, hairdressers, gyms and beauty parlours can reopen. This is good news for our shattered economy.

And there is Christmas to look forward to! Life is not all that bad,👠

I can’t believe how time flies! We’re soldiering through another lockdown so not even going out anywhere exciting or doing anything much other than taking walks, eating and drinking. Yet I feel as if I go to sleep on Monday and wake up on Friday!

This is quite scary! Not only has a year been ‘wasted’ thanks to COVID, but I don’t have anything to show for it! A few more wrinkles and half a stone doesn’t count! Losing much loved family members is not what I want to look back on when thinking about 2020! I want to think of the good times, all the memories made and being blessed by having known them!

So I’m going to try desperately hard to find some positives! Sitting looking out of the conservatory window at the grey sky, naked trees and dead ferns and shrubs is not making this easy! Autumn was always my favourite season. I loved the smells, the beautiful colours and the almost tangible feeling that nature was winding down, getting ready for a well earned rest.

I have really appreciated living where I do, a stone’s throw from the countryside and long wonderful walks. I have seen, first hand, the arrival of spring. I have watched snowdrops, then daffodils, followed by tulips, primroses and the first bright green shoots appearing on the stark, bare trees. I have heard the spectacular dawn chorus as the sun rose above the hill on those clear, crisp, icy mornings.

On my walks I have seen so many different types of butterflies. Staying at home I have regularly fed the birds and become excited when nut hatches, woodpeckers and goldfinches joined the blue, great, long tailed and greater tits who usually feed throughout the year. Sparrows and pigeons are also regular visitors and we seem to have had a population explosion of grey squirrels. This is not good as they are classed as vermin, but they are quite cute.

I have also learnt to appreciate freedom! Meeting up with family and friends, enjoying evenings out at our local pub or restaurants, going to the gym. Spontaneity, going shopping, planning trips abroad, spur of the moment visits to National Trust stately homes and gardens, booking short breaks. How I appreciate and now miss something I always took for granted!

I am grateful that my husband and I are fit enough to go for long, brisk walks. Being at home all day we can often choose the time and duck the showers. I am lucky that my home is big enough for me to have my own space to write or listen to music. I am isolating with my best friend and this is also something I really appreciate! Life could have been a whole lot worse.

I am in regular contact with my children and their extended families . They are well and adhering to the COVID rules in this country and the US. My son has retained his sense of humour, a highly valued tonic and most appreciated!

The sky is still grey. I’m looking out the window at the bedraggled garden and bare, lifeless trees. But I do feel some optimism that we’ll get through this and reach the other side. I’ll never take freedom for granted ever again! This has to be a good thing! And how I long to hug my children and grandchildren. I’m focussing on that day …….👠

Post Lockdown1 and pre Lockdown2 my friend, a neighbour, held dance classes with a few of the ladies in our ‘cul de sac’. We were outside and at least two metres apart. We all felt COVID secure and this was important because a number of the participants are over seventy.

Two mornings a week, weather permitting, we met at the end of the close, away from traffic and exercised to pop songs of the late sixties and early seventies. I appreciated my friend, an ex PE teacher, for taking up her time in choreographing and supplying the music. Not being able to go the gym and, when it did open briefly, only offered equipment exercise, which isn’t my scene. I enjoy classes and find it very difficult to self motivate. Embarrassingly I have to own up to not partaking of anything other than marathon walking with my husband as my main form of exercise.

These twice weekly classes were fun and I got to chat to people other than my husband and get to know my neighbours better. I worked as hard as I could to get the most benefit. But then Lockdown2 brought in restrictions only allowing us to meet up with one other person outside. Holding these classes would have made us illegal and subject to a heavy fine if caught!

We all felt saddened and our WhatsApp group became a hive of activity. There was nothing stopping us from meeting up with a neighbour and having a walk. We have a three kilometre circuit outside our back garden so it was decided to meet on Friday, in pairs, at an agreed time. I wasn’t able to join but the text messages afterwards applauded its success.

I had one of my wakeful nights on Friday. I had an idea, which I shared with my friend over the weekend. There was nothing stopping us from meeting in pairs and keeping our distance as we did the circuit walk. But my friend bought into my idea of periodically stopping, doing a couple of minutes of exercises and then carrying on with our walk.

We did ‘jumping jacks’, ‘high knees’ and arm exercises and then ran up small sections of hills a couple of times. This increased our heart rate and we got vital vitamin D, which in now perceived to be important in the fight against COVID. It boosts immune systems and, at this time of year, the sun isn’t supplying! We were still legal and remained COVID secure! Win! Win!

So this virus isn’t going to be allowed to curtail vital exercise, important for mental and physical wellbeing. Of course, like with most outside activities in this country, the weather is the all deciding factor! But we aren’t going anywhere so can be flexible and take each day as it comes. We should hopefully manage at least twice a week. After these exercises I’ll go on our usual walk with my husband so he will also be catered for!

I have heard that one of the vaccines has out performed it’s trials and should become available by the end of this month. Of course I’ll be way down the list but at least the health workers, care homes and those especially vulnerable should get vaccinated by the end of the year. There is talk that we could all be back to normal by the spring. Dare I begin to hope?

I am getting desperate so have decided to live life on the edge! Perhaps it’s time to start looking forward to 2021! My husband wants to visit South America after we have seen our son and his family in the US. I’ve taken little notice when he reads out some of the tour details. Perhaps I’ll be a bit more interested? Heaven forbid if I actually start making proper holiday plans! That would see me leaping right out of my box! A rare sight indeed!

I’ll keep you posted! 👠

I’m sitting in the conservatory, heating on and listening to classic fm. I’m needing inspiration. It’s the beginning of another week and the weather forecast is awful from today until the weekend! We’re in a high risk Tier 2 Covid zone. This means we can’t socialise inside with anyone other than our immediate family or those who live in the same house.

So let me try and find some positives! My husband and I are relatively healthy. We can still dine out at our local pubs and restaurants, but just the two of us. We can meet up with friends but have to sit outside. Unfortunately it’s getting colder and wetter!

The garden still looks presentable but we have started to clear away the summer hostas, lillies and general ground cover. We’ve kept open the teak house, our heated gazebo at the bottom of the garden, in case we have friends over for drinks. All four sides are canvas and three stay open so there is plenty of through air! It’s just getting from the house to the gazebo carrying drinks in the pouring rain which is a bit of a deterrent!

If I was really into taking one day at a time and had managed to totally change the habit of a lifetime, I would wake up every day with a positive attitude. I would live in the moment and nothing would phase me. I’d fling open the curtains and take in the scene, the garden down below and the wood opposite. I’d automatically find beauty in whatever the weather was throwing at me. Currently the sun usually doesn’t have to work too hard but a grey, cold, windy, cloudy, wet day has to seriously pull out all the stops! And even then has virtually no chance of raising my spirits and bringing any kind of a smile to my face or a cheer to my heart!

Every morning my husband wouldn’t be bracing himself for the usual weather forecast. It’s given in either bland monotones if miserable or with a bit more enthusiasm if a hint of brightness shows up through the trees. Perhaps that is why he seldom answers and keeps his eyes tightly shut. Sometimes he whispers beneath the duvet that he’ll make up his own mind!

To get myself through this unnatural, weird world I soldier on trying to do something enjoyable every day. If I can get out for a walk it ticks a box. This isn’t always possible. So, on wet, really grotty days I have convinced my husband that we play scrabble over lunch. I did usually win but my husband gives competitiveness a whole new meaning! Any and every game is for winning! It’s never about just taking part!

But he is a clever man and soon began to learn the ropes and beat me, sometimes with embarrassingly high scores. So I have had to up my game significantly! I’m usually not too fussed about winning, but against my husband this had become my ‘raisin d’etre’!

So, this week, with the seriously wet, grey and grotty forecast, we will sometimes play scrabble over lunch. I can’t manage this every day, unfortunately, but every second or third day will see us extending our meal by a couple of hours! On the other wet days this week I have a hair appointment and we go to Leeds to clean my mother in law’s house and say our farewells to neighbours and friends. This takes up two days and we should get some walks in as well, fingers crossed! I have booked a meal for two on Friday evening and we are having friends over for a drink on Saturday. I have a zoom meeting with two good friends this afternoon. Other than the usual housework, I have something in my diary every day!

This is not taking each day as it comes, I realise that, but it just wouldn’t work for me! But perhaps I can have the best of both worlds! I can have double entries in my diary to cover all scenarios. Perhaps I’ll get two diaries, one for sunshine and one for rain! Alas, the weather is so changeable that I’d soon get very confused and have to combine them!

Or maybe I’ll just soldier on under these current circumstances and hope that the greater British public obey their tier rules and we can all get on with our lives! Or our clever scientists find a cure or a vaccine. Or perhaps I’ll just give in and go with the flow!

‘C’est la vie’? 👠

Despite being another year older I spent one of the most enjoyable evenings I’ve had for many months!

I haven’t been at home for a birthday for years! Most not intentional, just how holidays worked out when I was gainfully employed. The school holidays were always taken by parents with young children so I became used to booking time off in October (avoiding mid term). The weather also played an active role in this decision. It was either autumn or spring somewhere in the world so there was less chance of soaring temperatures which was my husband’s concern. He left England and moved to South Africa where he stayed for a number of years. And he has a real problem with heat! Weird or what?

Currently we have minimal holiday choices in the U K. The new Covid tier system has been introduced and with it, more debilitating restrictions. I needed to act quickly so found a five star boutique hotel in the Yorkshire dales that looked beautiful. I booked two rooms, one for my husband and I and the other for my daughter and her husband. We all desperately needed some family time together and a change of scenery.

The drive through the dales was stunning! We opened the roof of the car and got our fix of vitamin D. The seat heater was on and I wrapped my jacket around my legs because the temperature had barely reached 10C. I was warm. We had turned off the motorway onto small country lanes which made my husband drive slower. The scenery could be enjoyed, not just a blur as we sped past!

We stopped for lunch at a very Covid secure, cosy pub near a viaduct. Rows of cars were parked on either side of the road so I wasn’t sure if we could get a table. However, the pub was relatively empty (it was past 2:00 pm) so the cars probably belonged to hikers. Replete, but with storm clouds building, we continued our journey in a closed car, which was a wise decision. The heavens soon opened but the views, when we could see through the mist, were still stunning.

We drove on through Wensleydale and into Swaledale. It had stopped raining so we booked into the hotel and went for a walk around the village. The shops had already closed as it was after 5:00 pm so we window shopped and then headed over the bridge and into the countryside. Everything looked fresh and clean. Leaves have only just begun to turn colour and the river Swale wound lazily along the side of the road, occasionally bubbling over stones, glistening in the late afternoon sunshine. It felt as if time had stood still. Not many people were out and about as it was getting close to their tea time so we had the place to ourselves!

Being a normal working day for my daughter and her husband we were only expecting them in time for the evening meal. There was a bottle of champagne waiting for us when we joined them. A lovely surprise! Glasses were filled, toasts made and the evening begun just as I had hoped. An aged gentlemen came in and sat in the corner nursing his glass so we tried to keep the noise levels down. My daughter and I can get very animated. Throw in champagne and we’re off!

The meal was superb. There were a few other diners so we did try not to disturb them! Both men had to periodically remind us! But I haven’t laughed as much for a long time. We returned to the now empty lounge for coffees and, by the time we nudged elbows goodnight (I haven’t been able to hug my daughter for months!) I felt as if life was almost looking rosy again! I had spoken to my son, who had taken himself off for a few days camping in the White Mountains in New Hampshire in the US. My daughter in law rang when we had finished our meal so also spoke to my two grandchildren. My brother had rung earlier and I had seen a number of Facebook and WhatsApp messages. A good day and a superb evening!

So, another year has passed. I had spent my last birthday in New Zealand. The year before that in South Africa. Next year? Covid defeated? I can but live in hope ……👠

I have recently been invited to join a WhatsApp group of school friends. We should have celebrated reaching a milestone year since matriculating, but Covid has put paid to that!

I was born and lived in a coastal town in the Eastern Cape in South Africa. Eighteen months before sitting my final exams my father was transferred to the Northern Cape. I already belong to a Facebook group for my final eighteen months of schooling and now have joined a WhatsApp group for the earlier eleven and a half years!

Although it has been good to catch up with old friends, it has also brought back memories that are not so good! Some children sail through school, are confident, clever and popular. They have minimal, if any, insecurities and look back with much fondness on teachers and friends. Then there are others, like me, who didn’t quite fit into this category!

I was very timid, very nervous and had a stammer. Children can be cruel. In our day bullying was par for the course and I hardly ever complained, just got on with it. My bullies were never violent, just mean and unpleasant. I dreaded having to answer questions in class so rarely put my hand up to respond. This made me look a whole lot ‘dumber’ than I was so add that to the mix and a lot of my early school years were anything but enjoyable!

So, when I look at photographs of past classmates I can still feel some old insecurities creeping back. As I reached puberty and hormonal changes kicked in I suffered with the dreaded spots! I had curly hair when the craze was long and straight and I was very skinny.

But then Twiggy arrived on the scene. What a huge confidence boost! I managed to persuade my mother to let me have a Twiggy haircut and, if it wasn’t wet and windy (very rarely not windy!), learnt how to straighten my hair by clipping the fringe down every night with masses of hair pins! I had Twiggy’s skinny body and her hairstyle. Not exactly looking like her was a slight problem but two out of three ain’t bad!

But I still had my stammer which resulted in some good and some not so good days. On my good days I could read out loud in the class and answer questions. On the not so good days I could hardly say a word and with acute embarrassment, stumbled through a sentence until the teacher took pity on me and allowed me to sit down. I can still feel the intense shame and humiliation. I can still hear the jibes and sarcastic comments. Looking at some of the ‘old girls’ who posted photographs on WhatsApp I can still feel some of my old discomfort creeping back.

However, I did make some good friends and one in particular. She lived just down the road. I have known her since I was ten years old. Second only to my cousin, this friend is the only person who goes back that far! I have moved many times, even moving countries, but my cousin, this friend and I have always kept in contact.

And then I discovered boys! I was at an all girls school. I listened with silent envy as the popular girls shared their romantic weekends with all those willing to listen. I was very willing! The ratio of girls to boys was five to one. Five girls to one boy. So I moved into a fantasy world where the boy who looked like Davy Jones from the Monkees noticed me and we danced into the sunset! I never had a boyfriend in the Eastern Cape. However, moving to the town in the Northern Cape the ratio was turned on its head! Five boys to one girl!

So my final eighteen months at my new school brought its own insecurities! I had so much work to catch up as some of my subjects and the syllabus had changed. And I had a boyfriend! I also had a Latin teacher who told me to ignore her class and concentrate on my other subjects. I would never pass and get the university exemption I needed!

I passed my matriculation exams with a university exemption. I kept my boyfriend but I didn’t make any lasting friends at this school. The bullying was significantly less. I never fitted in and never felt part of the class. And yet I had been asked to this school reunion and have kept in contact with some of the ‘old girls’!

I have moved on. My stammer is nowhere near as bad and doesn’t bother me. It’s part of who I am. I still have good and not so good days. I have lived a fulfilling and eventful life. I have two beautiful children and two equally beautiful grandchildren. I have a loving husband and, although not the most confident of people, have some wonderful friends. I have left behind most of the unhappy insecurities of my youth. I had a good job which I loved and which made me realise my true potential. I am now happily retired.

I am surprised that, looking back on some of those faces, albeit many years older, they have still managed to bring back those unhappy memories. I can’t go back and change history. I am grateful that I didn’t let it rule or ruin my life. Perhaps I’ll go to both school reunions next year? Maybe I need to bury old ghosts? This is not a pressing decision which has to be made immediately. I have planted the seed. Another pending lockdown will give it time to grow. And who knows what next year will bring? I am very grateful I don’t have a crystal ball …..👠