When I first heard the expression ‘apples and pears’ I naturally thought of Cockney rhyming slang for stairs. But in the world of body shapes, apples and pears have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with it!
‘Apples’ and ‘pears’ are categories used to define the shape of the female form. The reason why these fruits were chosen is anyone’s guess! Perhaps there was a panel of ‘experts’ sitting around a table with a fruit bowl discussing the female body? Perhaps the bowl only contained apples and pears? ‘That’ll do’ said the Managing Director and, just like that, generations of women have been reduced to a piece of produce.
For women to classify as an ‘apple’ they need to carry weight around the top and middle of their abdomens. ‘Pears’ store surplus weight around their hips and thighs. Personally I think there should have been a wider choice. Perhaps those were the most recognisable fruit? If it was a panel of experts sitting around a table they obviously had no qualifications whatsoever in either anatomy or fashion. I’m going to stick my neck out and say it was probably a panel of men!
Whatever our fruit category, as we age, clothes shopping becomes more difficult. We walk into a shop knowing exactly what we want only to discover that nobody has designed it for us! Clothes seem to be aimed at either twenty year olds with figures that defy gravity, those who prefer shapeless tents or at women who want to dress like their grandmothers. There is very little in between.
In our youth most ‘off the peg’ clothes fitted us. Now we’re expected to take what we can find. We have to compromise, disguise, tuck in and hope for the best. We need the oversized blouse to deflect from the lack of a waist or an expanded bust, the jacket must be wide enough to fit around our hips but not droop at the shoulders and the trousers mustn’t reveal too much about our thighs. Clothes need to tactfully detract attention from those areas which have now become liabilities!
As we learn about dressing to suit our shape, we look for ‘forgiving’ clothes. That doesn’t mean clothes forgive us for eating that last piece of cake! It means that we chose clothes that gently skim the bits that have become less cooperative. A dress needs to be a miracle worker. It must hide a tummy, disguise a hip and create the impression that our waist is still somewhere around where we last remember seeing it! I’ve always loved that word ‘forgiving’. It’s as though an item of clothing has been informed about our vanished waistline and generous bust or hips and decides not to hold it against us!
Age is unkind. Bodies seem to develop their own ideas about redistribution. You can exercise religiously and follow a strict, healthy diet yet, while you sleep, it gently moves things around. One morning you wake up and discover that certain bits have begun to migrate and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!
And that means arms as well. Sleeves become a necessity and not an option. When the upper arms decide that they’d quite like their independence they cease to be part of the team. They gradually lose their firmness and acquire an alarming ‘wobble’. What was once a neat, toned little cylinder morphs into something resembling a small hammock. You raise an arm to say goodbye and, long after your hand has stopped waving, the rest of your arm carries on with the farewell.
There are different varieties of arms. There’s the ‘batwing’, ‘flapjack’ or ‘pendulum’. Now if we had to include them in the fruit bowl perhaps there could be a ‘banana’. This variety would be long, slightly curved and still relatively firm. A conference pear could be narrower at the shoulder, becoming mysteriously fuller towards the elbow. ‘Grapes’ could be the little wrinkly bits that appear from nowhere. A ‘watermelon’ is probably best avoided unless your upper arms have become exceptionally enthusiastic!
Buying trousers is depressing and best avoided. A pair that fits perfectly around the waist is usually far too generous around the hips and thighs. Perhaps that’s why elasticated waists are so popular. They’re not merely comfortable but also emotionally supportive! They don’t judge you after a meal and just mould themselves into your current shape.
Stomachs could be added to the fruit bowl. A ‘plum’ for the smaller version that wasn’t there twenty years ago. A ‘pomegranate’ when there are several little bumps and bulges and all are competing for attention. A ‘mango’ which is softer, fuller and somehow not quite where you remembered it. To complete the fruit bowl let’s add an orange for the thighs and over ripe peaches for the knees.
So, decide whether you’re an apple or a pear
Then dress with cunning and plenty of flair
Hide what you can and show what you dare
Embrace who you are and enjoy what you wear 👠
Jenny Burrell 