Being Mindful 🧘

Jane Austen once said that ‘ her own thoughts and reflections were habitually her best companions’.

Lucky Jane! I have never been over enamoured with my own company. My biggest concern when planning my retirement was that I’d wake up every morning and stare at a blank page in my diary.

So here I am, almost seven years later. My diary is full! My life is full! And I still struggle being on my own. So I’m trying to do something about it. I’m going to learn how to be mindful.

Many methods of relaxation and meditation abound. Over the years I have tried a few. Something I have tired on numerous occasions is lying down in bed at night, closing my eyes and blanking out all thoughts. Basically, staring into a black abyss. Starting with my toes, I’d clench, then release. This exercise must be repeated on my feet, calves, knees and all the way up my body. I needed to focus on the abyss and not think about anything other than clenching and releasing. By the time I’d got to my knees thoughts were already creeping in. I tried to ignore them. Sometimes I got cramp in my toes or feet. Or I’d get ‘singing legs’ which totally defeated the object. I’d hear the grandfather clock chiming annoyingly throughout the night! I have come to the conclusion, that, for me, this method doesn’t work. Thoughts just flood into the empty void. As if I’ve opened up the floodgates, they just come pouring in. Undisciplined, uncontrolled and totally illogical!

Last week, after reading how mindfulness can change your life in so many positive ways, I decided to try again. I started by going for a walk. I would concentrate on nature and my surroundings, not stare into a black hole. Wood Lane would do the trick! I set my watch. I couldn’t ignore closing my exercise, movement and standing rings! And not to forget my steps! I started my mindfulness walk. A car drove up behind me and I climbed onto the verge, avoiding the quagmire in the road. He didn’t slow down! How rude!

I must relax I kept telling myself, look around. Breathe! Listen to the birds, smell the rotting leaves, look up at the grey, cloudy sky. Empty my mind. Concentrate on nature, then almost immediately, a thought whizzed past, reversed then stopped. I hadn’t booked an eye appointment. I struggled to get my phone out of my pocket. But wait! I was trying to be mindful. The phone call could wait!

I increased my speed and began to count steps, one, two, one, two, one, two, three four. I concentrated on the count and then looked up as a few jackdaws flew past their tuneless cackling disrupting the peace and quiet. I saw a crisp packet in the road. I got really annoyed! Why were there so many uncouth people just dumping their rubbish as they drove past. I kicked the wrapper to the curb but didn’t pick it up. I’d try and remember on my way home.

One, two, one, two, one, two, three, four. I continued counting steps. Once more I took a deep breath. ‘Let it go, Jennifer!’ I told myself. ‘Move on!’ The little stream bubbled along. No blockages there that day. I remember speaking to a neighbour who explained how he had unblocked it in the past. I chuckled when I pictured him standing in his waders and grovelling underneath the little bridge. The side of the road is collapsing as the council never bothers about maintenance anymore even though I took a photo and sent it to them! What’s the point of trying to be a good citizen when no one takes the blindest bit of notice!

What happened to this mind-fullness walk? I tried again. I took a deep breath and soldiered on, still counting my steps, trying to keep up a steady rhythm. I walked past the field where a family had moved in and created a menagerie of animals, sheds and other ad hoc buildings. They have donkeys which bray constantly, trying to blend in with the barking dogs, honking, hissing geese and bleating sheep. The latest inhabitants, a couple of pigs, were sniffing around their pen. I wondered how the family lived without electricity. Do they have proper sanitation? It looked like a third world settlement!

I stopped as a supermarket truck drove past and slowed down as I got out of its way. I walked on, trying to take deep breaths and focussing on the ambience of this quiet little badly maintained lane. I avoided the potholes and puddles and began the climb up the hill. This was when I had to breathe and slow down, only slightly, because I didn’t want to feel old and decrepit. Counting steps helped me to keep up a steady pace and go back to being mindful.

The daffodils were in bloom, as were cowslips and primroses. Spring was definitely in the air! It wasn’t long before I began to feel irritated by the chaotic squawking coming from a rookery in a very old, large tree on the other side of the road. The noise was deafening and didn’t stop! Imagine living in the houses nearby. If it had been me I’d have sat underneath the tree with a shotgun!

The breeze was blowing in my direction and carrying a slurry stench with it. The farmer had recently spread it on his field in readiness for planting. The smell was pungent and getting stronger. I heard a tractor lumbering up behind me and watched as slurry dripped off the tanker and onto the road. These were the cons of living in the country.

Well, I tried, hoping that the little distractions on a leisurely walk would help me to stay focussed and not get too side tracked. I thought of Maria in the Sound of Music, singing and dancing as she climbed every mountain and forged every stream with not a care in the world. I chuckled as I wondered what the neighbours would think if I sang and danced in gay abandon in our back garden. Would probably have felt sorry for my husband! Poor man, they’d say to their wives, imagine living with a crazy woman like that!

It’s annoying that I can’t do a simple thing like being totally in the moment. Maybe I could try on a beach in Hawaii? Maybe I could go back to the little atoll in the Maldives? Many years ago I’d sat in a recliner which I’d dragged into the lagoon and watched beautiful, brightly coloured little fishes, even harmless baby sharks, swimming around me. The waiter had brought an ice cold beer which had gone down a treat. I’m sure I was being very mindful then!

Maybe I’ll manage one day if I keep trying? Mmmmm, am I really bothered ……….?👠