Last Saturday I had afternoon tea with two very dear friends. We have known each other for over twenty years and have been through a lot of ups and downs together. We discussed a number of topics which finally moved on to religion.
Now, religion, like politics, should always be avoided at all costs, certainly over dinner tables, yet on Saturday we were so comfortable in each other’s company that this wasn’t a taboo subject. A really good debate ensued. I relish good debates! What I find most enjoyable is an open mind. It’s so enlightening if we can just accept that we are all different and each of our opinions matter. We might feel passionate about a topic but not to the point where we fall out and friendships suffer.
I am so lucky. I have some really good, close friends who I love dearly and know that I can rely on their integrity, honesty and support. Not to diminish the support and love that I receive from my husband and children, but having a variety of friends brings more diversity and mental stimulation. This has got to be good for overall mental health, of which I am very aware.
My father returned to England with my mother in 2001. They were both in their seventies. They left sunny, warm South Africa and all their friends behind to start a new life. My father was an artist and very comfortable with his own company, a bit of a recluse. My mother was the exact opposite. She was a published author of children’s books and soon contacted schools to arrange visits to read excerpts of her books and encourage aspiring young writers. She had done this in South Africa and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with the children. She joined the local church and made friends with her neighbours, inviting them for afternoon teas.
My father had one good year before he became ill. This restricted my mother and she soon had to curb her outings to care for him. Eventually it was only me visiting after work in the evenings and at weekends. I’d take my mother to the supermarket on Saturdays where she’d chat to those waiting in the queue or anyone else who showed her some interest, much to my embarrassment!
The deterioration was slow at first, but eventually I noticed that both of them were becoming forgetful and their conversations very limited. My father kept on painting but, for example, he’d paint a lion in three parts, the head, middle and tail end and not have the ability to join them all together. Sadly, they began to look quite comical which I found very upsetting
My mother sent stories to an online publisher who printed them each week. She would also send a photo of one of my father’s paintings. Over the years these stories became duplicated and photos of their house and places in South Africa replaced my father’s paintings yet still showed him as the artist.
Looking back I realise that lack of friendships and communicating with the outside world hastened their spiral into mental health problems and significantly affected their quality of life. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. My siblings and I should have tried harder to encourage them to stay in South Africa. It would have meant trips out there at times when necessary but that would have been a small price to pay. My mother had her family close by and a large contingency of friends and acquaintances who would have given them both the extra support and companionship that became sadly lacking in England.
Nothing beats the enjoyment of meeting friends for dinner, a drink in a pub or a long walk. Joining social gatherings, doing exercise classes, generally meeting people and sharing experiences or just having a good laugh is so important as we get older. It’s a frightening world out there and the older I get the more I like to feel that I’m not alone. As I navigate through my seventies, the same age as my parents were when they emigrated to what was, for my mother, a very foreign country, it can be a daunting experience.
I give thanks for all my friends and wonderful family and hope that I can always offer them the same kind of support, love and friendship that they offer me. Hopefully our qualities of lives are enriched and none of us will ever feel alone. 👠
Jenny Burrell 