Before I started this blog I needed to understand the difference between ‘loving yourself’ and narcissism. I have struggled with loving and being more understanding of myself and my shortcomings for as long as I can remember.
When googling this question I read that self love is a healthy relationship, being the ‘unapologetic act of being proud and confident in your achievements’. You need to readily accept your flaws and be thankful for your strengths. Narcissists are in love with themselves, generally have low self esteem and very critical of others. Those who can love themselves don’t need constant validation but a narcissist feels incomplete without it. Self love is beneficial to the individual and relationships. Narcissism has the opposite effect.
Apparently, to get the most out of living in this modern society we need to understand our feelings, who we really are and how we can best fit into our surroundings. We also need to ‘be in tune with our emotions’! Social media plays a big role in lots of people’s lives. It becomes difficult to navigate through all the negative feedback readily offered by so called influencers. They try to fit us into a ‘one size fits all’ box and, if that box doesn’t fit, make us feel inadequate and useless. I think some of these influencers have narcissistic tendencies so how can we be sure that we want to take their advice?
Healthy self love needs two basic requirements, self respect and self esteem. If we have self respect we would never have narcissistic tendencies and self esteem would help us better understand when we are being manipulated. It would also encourage us to surround ourselves with healthy relationships.
How many times through the years have I been told to love myself? And there’s the old adage, ‘if you can’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else’! None of these statements are useful and only cause more anxiety and feelings of low self esteem. I have also been told that self love is a choice and this choice is mine alone to make. Far too simplistic!
I realise that self love is important and can understand how it could help pave the way for a happier and healthier life. But these are just words that we hear or read in books or manuals. Getting down to the nitty gritty of learning to understand my emotions and being sympathetic and not so judgemental about my short comings, is easier said than done!
Low self esteem, or lack of self worth, can originate from childhood. It can also be the result of an abusive relationship, whether it be with a friend, parent, sibling or partner. Being told often enough how useless, ugly and stupid you are eventually becomes your reflection of reality. In fact, this is only your perception and not at all accurate.
But there is some good news! Self love can be self taught! But, like alcoholism, the first step is accepting that you have a problem. Throughout our lives we go through a multitude of emotions. We feel sad, happy, angry, lonely. By recognising and questioning negative emotions as they arise and taking the time to sit and digest them, is fundamental in starting the self love process!
Another idea would be to try and put yourself in a loved one’s shoes. What would you say to them to dispel their negative emotions? We usually treat others differently. Almost a case of ‘do as I say and not as I do’! We try to be positive when dealing with their problems but find it unnatural when dealing with our own.
So, I’m going to make a concerted effort to be less critical and more compassionate towards myself. If I don’t try I’ll never know. It could be the beginning of a brave new world! 👠
Jenny Burrell 