Until a few weeks ago I had never heard the word ‘gaslighting’! It was one sleepless night sitting in the spare bedroom in the early hours of a freezing cold morning that I read the article in the New Scientist.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation. It forces the victim to question their thoughts, memories and events. It warps their sense of reality by subtly changing their long held moral values. There are times when they will even question their own sanity.
The term ‘Gaslighting’ comes from the play ‘Gas Light’ by Patrick Hamilton. A man gradually convinces his wife that she is going insane by regularly dimming the lights in their house. He also moves things around and insists that she must have forgotten. Shocking yet so easy! If you love and trust someone you wouldn’t imagine them harming you!
Because all our memories and experiences are unique to us, our perception of reality differs from anyone else’s. Our memories can be unreliable especially if they are old. In a loving relationship disagreeing with someone’s view is healthy and certainly not abusive. But when coercion is used to deliberately make another person constantly doubt themselves, this relationship becomes controlling.
Often ‘Gaslighters’ are narcissists. In serious cases this is a known personality disorder (NPD) which is often genetic. If left untreated it can become life threatening, especially if someone, or an event makes them question their self worth. This causes ‘narcissistic rage’ and often results in suicide or family murders!
In these toxic narcissistic ‘gaslighting’ relationships it is very difficult for the victim to know how to behave. Because the perpetrator feels so superior they demand special treatment even if they have not earned it! This causes confusion and increases the victim’s feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and stupidity! They try everything to help, heaping more guilt and shame on their already damaged state of mind.
‘Gaslighters’ believe that they are never wrong! What usually makes matters worse is that they also turn their hapless victims against their families and friends so they lose the only chance to validate their long held beliefs. The ‘Gaslighter’ will regularly question his victim’s views on situations and people known to them, so that he can insidiously plant seeds of doubt and inflict his defamatory opinions. What doesn’t help is that the victim often isn’t the breadwinner and develops a very low self-esteem. They lose all confidence and become totally reliant on their ‘captor’. This can never be a relationship based on love and respect. It can only ever be one based on control, selfishness and manipulation!
Not all ‘Gaslighters’ are narcissists. Some have ulterior motives and use this method as a pay back for a grudge or a vendetta. However, when the foundation of ‘gaslighting’ is based on ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ the severity of the problem has serious ramifications. Not only does it create an extremely unpleasant environment, but there is also a very real threat to life! Narcissism has a high suicide rate and, if left untreated, will never have a positive outcome.
The role of the victim must not be underestimated! They will be ridiculed and criticised for being weak. Because the victim is often embarrassed and feels that they should be able to help and generally blame themselves, they pander to the irrational demands and try to justify, or turn a blind eye, to addictions and dysfunctional or immoral behaviour. They devote all their time and effort in their quest to help. They have become the crutch and essential to the narcissist’s survival.
I have first hand knowledge of this behaviour. I have seen the devastating effects of narcissistic ‘gaslighting’. I have suffered through the pain of a loved one coping with the after effects of suicide. The subsequent judgemental bigoted behaviour from some ‘friends’ who chose to believe salacious gossip and estranged family vitriol, have heaped pain and suffering on the one person who needs the greatest understanding and support!
But there are times when there is a positive outcome. As so called friends can try to sully a reputation and refuse to confront the truth, so real friends and loving families can form a support bubble to begin the healing process. And time is a great healer. I firmly believe that true love can conquer all and that it is never too late to find the happiness denied for so long yet so justly deserved!
And my belief has been justified!
The victim has become the victor! A couple of years later, true love did conquer all! I watched two people get married. A wintry sun shone down on them as they made their vows. Two people who found each other and have rebuilt their lives together. A true partnership, a shared vision for the future and a deep love that will continue to grow.
This brave, loyal, beautiful human being has found peace at last! 👠
Jenny Burrell 