Chatting to a friend who had recently lost her husband, she asked me how long it would take for her to feel contented again. Did I think she ever could, or was this sadness and huge loss going to remain with her forever?
I was not able to give her a direct answer other than to remind her that time is a great healer. Her life will never be the same again but she will learn to adapt and create a new normal. She will have better days and even find happiness in times spent with friends and family. However, I couldn’t pass any comments on her finding contentment because I’m not sure I fully understand what that means.
Google tells me that contentment is ‘a state of happiness and satisfaction’. I have often felt happy. I have often felt satisfied but I have never combined the two to mean contentment. I’ve always thought that it was a prolonged state of mind, different from just feeling happy and satisfied. I googled synonyms for contentment. There were numerous. Peace, ease, pleasure, comfort, fulfilment, gratification, equanimity, and so the list continued.
Was I wrong in presuming that feeling contented would last for days, months or even years? It would be like living in a kind of Utopia. A place where there is no sorrow or pain, just peace, pleasure, comfort and gratification. It wouldn’t be a transitory state. Once you’ve found contentment it would be yours for as long as you wanted to hold onto it.
I asked my husband what he thought the meaning of contentment was. ‘Just happy with your lot’, came his prompt reply. ‘Of course, it doesn’t have to be a good thing,’ he expanded. ‘Being content with your lot comes with a caveat. It can be a cop out for someone who has no drive or ambition. Hobos could be contented.’ Always the pragmatist.
Perhaps I need to change my long held perception of the meaning of contentment. Have I been too pedantic or pessimistic? Could it be feasible that this blissful state of mind need only last for a very short time? Thinking back over my life, certain things I’ve done or tasks I have achieved have made me feel proud and happy. I called it ‘feeling satisfied’. I was obviously pleased that I had reached my goal. So was I feeling contented? Probably, although it didn’t seem to last very long.
If my analogy is correct, feeling contented doesn’t mean having to rely on someone else. It’s about things that I have done. Neither my husband, children, family nor friends can make me feel contented. They can make me happy or sad. They can add to my sense of well-being but it’s up to me to recognise and hold onto moments of satisfaction and happiness. Dare I say, contentment?
Therefore, I am sure that my friend will feel contented again. She’s experienced it many times so will recognise this state of mind. Unlike me who has probably gone through life waiting to feel contented when it’s been staring me in the face for years!
Jenny Burrell 