This is my story 📖

Stuttering has blighted most of my life! It has prevented me from achieving my dream of being a teacher and heaped embarrassment on me over the years! My parents always thought that I would grow out of it but, unfortunately, I never did. I was never offered speech therapy or any other kind of help and just had to ‘get on with it’!

Stuttering is a speech disorder that involves frequent, significant problems with the normal fluency of speech. It is also called ‘ childhood onset fluency disorder’. Stuttering is very common among children as it is can be part of ‘learning how to speak’. Sometimes, alas, stuttering is a chronic condition that persists into adulthood. It is often genetic, which happened in my case. My father stuttered.

Most people don’t understand the effect a stutter can have on normal day to day lives. I was often ridiculed for my impediment and made to feel a freak. Reading in front of the class at school, answering questions or the telephone, just saying my name, would bring on debilitating feelings of shame, severe embarrassment and very low self-esteem. Living with a constant stutter and just hoping that no one would suddenly ask me a question, or dreading an event or social occasion, would cause huge stress and anxiety. It would keep me awake at night and I would desperately try thinking of ways to get out of the situation.

I became a walking thesaurus. Hard sounding consonants like J, D, B, V, for example, would cause a ‘block’. I would freeze and my throat constrict. Try as I might, no sound would come. I would then log onto my mental thesaurus and pick another word and force that one out! Very awkward for my Christian name as it started with a ‘J’, but my surname was okay. That was usually what I used, much to the amusement of my classmates!

As I became a teenager and started noticing boys, my stutter became even more of an issue. Being so shy, at a girls only school and having very strict parents, my early teenage years were filled with feelings of inadequacy, angst and lack of self-worth. I could expand that to self loathing as that would not be far off the mark! I obviously couldn’t teach, my place at university was cancelled and I got a job. Girls were not encouraged to have a career in South Africa when I was young. They just needed to marry well and raise a family!

When my son was little he only started speaking when he was about four! And he stuttered! There was no way that I was going to stand back and watch him live the kind of debilitating life that I had. Each time he stumbled over a word I’d hold his hands, tell him to stop, we’d both take a deep breath and he’d start again. It worked! The genetic link was broken and my son is articulate and can ‘talk the hind legs off a donkey’! However, I couldn’t replicate this treatment on myself! When I had a block, I never managed to stop, take a deep breath and try again. I just used the ‘thesaurus method’ and soldiered on!

It did help when I could ‘become’ another person. My mother used to give my sister and I the lead roles in her Sunday School plays. This was torture until I learnt my lines and ‘became’ the character. The night of the show was fine! It wasn’t me on the stage!

So, where am I now? I studied, got a good job, became a manager, gave presentations, finally stopped fretting. I did, over the years, still have the occasional ‘blocks’! When this happened I wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and roll under the carpet! Or launch myself out of the window! I have been retired for the last three and a half years. Not being at work has made my life a lot easier.

But, more to the point, I just don’t care anymore! I don’t have to play party politics with work colleagues and I have a greater choice of who I see and who I want to see! My mental thesaurus is not as good as it once was but I call upon it less! It helps with crossword puzzles so still serves some useful purpose! I have learnt to live with my disability. I would never willingly choose to stutter. However, I have accepted that it is something I was not able to completely overcome. But I have lived a good, fulfilling life despite it! This has brought some degree of comfort! I have finally found my voice!👠