My husband and I were playing scrabble the other day. It is the only game I play competitively because it’s the only game I stand any chance of winning. I mentioned this as I took the lead and noticed my husband’s demeanour begin to change.
‘I can never understand why you are such a bad loser’ I gloated. It’s only a game’! I added, patronisingly. I waited for his usual muttered response but on this occasion was taken aback by his sudden volatile outburst! He is competitive in every game he plays, whether it’s badminton, football or just a ‘harmless’ game of scrabble.
‘Every game you play you need to try and win or else what’s the point in taking part?’
‘I know my limitations!’ I nonchalantly replied. ‘I enjoy playing scrabble and it’s a rare treat when I beat you! It’s not something I lose any sleep over and certainly don’t get bitter and twisted if I don’t! I’m magnanimous in defeat!’
I was soon to discover that this was not an enviable trait but one to be actively discouraged! Knowing my limitations came with a huge caveat! Did I push myself enough or was I just being apathetic? Did I give up too soon and not make any effort when the going got tough? Didn’t I like to feel a sense of achievement when the battle had paid off? Why did I bother playing games if I had such a defeatist attitude? I am being governed by my limitations and constraining myself within these self inflicted boundaries! Wow! I certainly hadn’t expected that!
So, this is the effect lockdown has had on a couple who have been happily married for thirty five years! We have never quarrelled over occasional games of scrabble. But fourteen long tedious months of lockdown and many wet, miserable days cooped up inside had brought about this altercation and some apparent ‘home truths’!
My response was ‘Everyone is different and it’s not a bad thing!’ I am not a sportsman and have never fared very well in any games, even something as innocuous as ten pin bowling! If I played a good round I got excited, but the killer instinct just isn’t there. I did, however, come first in a bun eating race when I was about six, much to the embarrassment of my parents! Obviously not the race I should have won!
But there is another side to this ‘knowing your limitations’ debate! Whereas I don’t dwell over losing, my husband has been known to beat himself up trying to find reasons why he had lost! It’s often not put to bed until every aspect of every move had been examined! In scrabble, his restrictive hands (too many vowels or not enough) are added to the equation.
I’m of the opinion that setting too high standards can be as debilitating as setting little or none at all! Continually pushing yourself and not quite achieving can have a detrimental effect on your self esteem and confidence. My husband did not agree, so we have agreed to differ! He is adamant that everyone should go that extra mile to try and win! You could always do better and the sense of achievement is worth all the pain! Mediocrity, he insisted, should never be accepted or encouraged!
Luckily this was just a civilised debate and didn’t escalate into a full blown row! We are and have always been two very different people! This has never been an issue! We’re also far too old to change! Our spots are indelible and won’t be going anywhere soon!👠
Jenny Burrell 