I have recently been invited to join a WhatsApp group of school friends. We should have celebrated reaching a milestone year since matriculating, but Covid has put paid to that!
I was born and lived in a coastal town in the Eastern Cape in South Africa. Eighteen months before sitting my final exams my father was transferred to the Northern Cape. I already belong to a Facebook group for my final eighteen months of schooling and now have joined a WhatsApp group for the earlier eleven and a half years!
Although it has been good to catch up with old friends, it has also brought back memories that are not so good! Some children sail through school, are confident, clever and popular. They have minimal, if any, insecurities and look back with much fondness on teachers and friends. Then there are others, like me, who didn’t quite fit into this category!
I was very timid, very nervous and had a stammer. Children can be cruel. In our day bullying was par for the course and I hardly ever complained, just got on with it. My bullies were never violent, just mean and unpleasant. I dreaded having to answer questions in class so rarely put my hand up to respond. This made me look a whole lot ‘dumber’ than I was so add that to the mix and a lot of my early school years were anything but enjoyable!
So, when I look at photographs of past classmates I can still feel some old insecurities creeping back. As I reached puberty and hormonal changes kicked in I suffered with the dreaded spots! I had curly hair when the craze was long and straight and I was very skinny.
But then Twiggy arrived on the scene. What a huge confidence boost! I managed to persuade my mother to let me have a Twiggy haircut and, if it wasn’t wet and windy (very rarely not windy!), learnt how to straighten my hair by clipping the fringe down every night with masses of hair pins! I had Twiggy’s skinny body and her hairstyle. Not exactly looking like her was a slight problem but two out of three ain’t bad!
But I still had my stammer which resulted in some good and some not so good days. On my good days I could read out loud in the class and answer questions. On the not so good days I could hardly say a word and with acute embarrassment, stumbled through a sentence until the teacher took pity on me and allowed me to sit down. I can still feel the intense shame and humiliation. I can still hear the jibes and sarcastic comments. Looking at some of the ‘old girls’ who posted photographs on WhatsApp I can still feel some of my old discomfort creeping back.
However, I did make some good friends and one in particular. She lived just down the road. I have known her since I was ten years old. Second only to my cousin, this friend is the only person who goes back that far! I have moved many times, even moving countries, but my cousin, this friend and I have always kept in contact.
And then I discovered boys! I was at an all girls school. I listened with silent envy as the popular girls shared their romantic weekends with all those willing to listen. I was very willing! The ratio of girls to boys was five to one. Five girls to one boy. So I moved into a fantasy world where the boy who looked like Davy Jones from the Monkees noticed me and we danced into the sunset! I never had a boyfriend in the Eastern Cape. However, moving to the town in the Northern Cape the ratio was turned on its head! Five boys to one girl!
So my final eighteen months at my new school brought its own insecurities! I had so much work to catch up as some of my subjects and the syllabus had changed. And I had a boyfriend! I also had a Latin teacher who told me to ignore her class and concentrate on my other subjects. I would never pass and get the university exemption I needed!
I passed my matriculation exams with a university exemption. I kept my boyfriend but I didn’t make any lasting friends at this school. The bullying was significantly less. I never fitted in and never felt part of the class. And yet I had been asked to this school reunion and have kept in contact with some of the ‘old girls’!
I have moved on. My stammer is nowhere near as bad and doesn’t bother me. It’s part of who I am. I still have good and not so good days. I have lived a fulfilling and eventful life. I have two beautiful children and two equally beautiful grandchildren. I have a loving husband and, although not the most confident of people, have some wonderful friends. I have left behind most of the unhappy insecurities of my youth. I had a good job which I loved and which made me realise my true potential. I am now happily retired.
I am surprised that, looking back on some of those faces, albeit many years older, they have still managed to bring back those unhappy memories. I can’t go back and change history. I am grateful that I didn’t let it rule or ruin my life. Perhaps I’ll go to both school reunions next year? Maybe I need to bury old ghosts? This is not a pressing decision which has to be made immediately. I have planted the seed. Another pending lockdown will give it time to grow. And who knows what next year will bring? I am very grateful I don’t have a crystal ball …..👠
Jenny Burrell 