I am not happy about writing this blog but feel the need to share!
The old saying that you can chose your friends but not your family has struck home. I can now relate to this and it is not something that brings my husband and I any pleasure or comfort.
When my mother in law passed away she left her will and a ‘wish list’. We knew about her ‘wish list’ and her eldest son, my husband, was put in charge of its distribution. Two years ago I spent a very depressing Christmas Day listening to my mother in law’s detailed funeral and cremation service requests, the wake, her will and her ‘wish list’.
My mother in law was always fair and left her three sons, daughters in law and grandchildren jewellery, furniture and art work. My father was a renowned South African artist so our walls were full! I have had to make way for some of my husband’s inheritance so paintings have been mothballed. However, the 18th century sideboard, beautiful as it is, was too big to fit into our house even when we had made the space!
My mother in law had barely passed away before the youngest son and his wife were in the house. They did kindly tidy up but also, much to the annoyance of my husband, threw out food stuff, some not passed their sell by dates, clothing and other ‘things’ deemed worthless. They rearranged rooms and removed bedding. This baffled me because no one had discussed their ‘new role’ and I felt that my husband should have been informed before any household items were removed. But, as the ‘in law’, I took a back seat and didn’t get involved.
This is where I made my first mistake. There are ways of offering subtle advice without being nosey and interfering! Alas, my husband always sees the best in people and certainly never had any cause to doubt the honesty of his younger brother and his wife. Because I also like to be fair and take a balanced view, my husband didn’t immediately let his brothers know about the handful of items, all worthless but with strong sentimental value, that he had taken. I’m presuming this oversight, and it genuinely was an oversight, will always be regretted. Was this the catalyst youngest brother and wife needed to help themselves?
This is what I should have done. Taken a photograph and sent it to the two brothers. A couple of weeks later I did have a conversation with youngest brother’s wife after finding items missing. I stressed that, if any of us wanted anything, to let everyone know. I once more apologised for our initial oversight. My husband had been so busy trying to sort out probate, mail, bank accounts, and many administrative nightmares involved in the death of a loved one. He also didn’t think that anyone would have wanted the two ornaments and a fire guard!
Our tastes are very different and I was sure that we could all easily be accommodated. But we needed transparency and I was determined to try my level best to avoid any family fallout. My mother in law had so many problems with her sister and brother in law removing family heirlooms. Unfortunately both her siblings had died first. To perpetuate this debacle would be unforgivable! All three brothers were aware of the unpleasantness and extreme pain this had caused their mother!
The first incident occurred when a large number of semi precious ‘eggs’ went ‘missing’. Being generally unobservant, my husband and I had noticed different arrangements on shelves and empty spaces so decided to become more ‘aware’. But the hole in the huge bowl of ‘eggs’ was obvious! After my sister in law adamantly insisted that she had only taken four for her daughter, younger brother felt bad and brought eighteen back! This only partly filled the hole!
I am sitting on the floor in an almost empty house which feels as if it has been ransacked. Youngest brother and wife, over the weeks, have systematically removed objects of value. When questioned they decided that one of my mother in law’s neighbours, who has kept an eye on the house and my mother in law over the years, must be a thief! So they changed the front door lock. This has not stopped the ‘thefts’!
What I find so incredibly sad is that the majority of the china and trinkets they have taken are because of their value and not because they genuinely like them. I know that my mother in law would have loved having her precious china and trinkets adorn her boys houses. Taking these objects is not the issue. It’s the reason why they were taken, to sell for their own gain, which is so distasteful!
So, a second generation continues along this path of greed and selfishness. Another family is torn apart. As the years go by I wonder if youngest brother and wife will look back with any regrets? Or will they continue to self righteously insist that they were owed the extra money and that the breakup of a family was worthwhile? We’ll probably never know. 👠
Jenny Burrell 