Can an old leopard change her spots? 🐆

I need to change. No, I have got to change the habit of a lifetime! I have reached the stage where options have run out and I am staring into an abyss of medication and potential health issues for the rest of my life.

As anyone who knows me can vouch that I do a really good worry. And an even better panic! I can go from zero to manic in a spilt second! However, while I’m almost levitating and my blood pressure has reached astronomical levels, I hear a little voice!

I have a very brief moment of lucidity as this tiny voice of reason tries desperately hard to be heard. It pleads with me to calm down and be rational! But that’s the problem. The voice is far too soft and immediately gets ignored! Years of listening to an irrational foghorn, which takes control at the drop of a hat, drowns out anything else!

It triggers physical side effects, starting with a pounding heart. I feel rather than see a nightmare unfolding. But it’s not a dream that I can wake up and the nightmare is over! It’s reality! Worst case scenarios, each one more awful and debilitating than the last, come rushing at me from all angles! At this stage I can feel my chest beginning to heave as I desperately try to control my breathing.

This is not a ‘panic attack’ which I have heard is very unpleasant! This is an anxiety episode brought on by something I have found shocking that has happened ‘out if the blue’! The imagery that follows is based around a specific phone call, a sudden health scare or bad news in whatever form, relating to my family. These are examples but all linked to a tangible, physical situation. This is not a red mist of rage or anger. I have little problems with basic self control. This is when I suddenly experience uncontrollable fear!

And still the little voice doesn’t give up and quietly persists through my torment. Eventually, when I have examined all angles, got as much information as possible and analysed the situation, again and again, I do finally stop and listen to the little voice.

But, alas, the emotional and physical stress I have inflicted on my body over the years is getting harder to ignore and even harder to heal. Fortunately this is not a regular occurrence, but enough to have left it’s mark!

All these years of constant worry, a stressful job, some medical negligence and bad life choices have led me to this point. I have hypertension, which now has to be medically treated and monitored. Unfortunately, as with all medication, it comes with side effects which can sometimes be worse that the complaint!

And then bring on months of lockdown living in virtual isolation, gyms shut so even exercise, my cure all, is curtailed! Of course my husband and I can get out and walk, which we do. We have discovered many new routes and try to make them as interesting as possible. But there is always the British weather! There are days when even trying to duck the showers doesn’t make walking possible.

Not one to give up without a fight I have decided to try looking at alternative options to control these anxiety ‘attacks’ and bring my blood pressure down naturally. A dose of pragmatism wouldn’t go amiss either! Mindfulness has been around for a while. I have a friend who swears by it’s physical as well as mental powers. Just being able to take a step back under pressure would be so good! And learn to listen to the voice of reason before the foghorn takes over!

A few weeks ago I downloaded a suggested app. I try to devote half an hour in the morning to relaxation and positive imagery. I cannot expect miracles. My brain has to be rewired, which will definitely take time! It’s old and not very flexible! It’s locked into panic mode! Im probably going to subconsciously hang on to this habitual space for a while!

But I need to allow the quiet voice of reason more ‘air’ time. I have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain! I’m not going to be greedy or unrealistic! Hopefully patience, definitely not a virtue, will be allowed a chance to grow as well!

It’s early days and I’ll have some good and some not so good. I am a negative realist! I always err on the side of caution! But, stranger things have happened! Perhaps even this aged leopard can change her spots! Watch this space …… 👠