My mother is in a care home. She has been there for almost five years. She is battling end stage dementia. I find it hard to put into words how difficult these last few weeks have been. On Christmas Eve I was told that, at best, she had a couple of weeks left.
But Mum is still with us and soldiers on. She hardly eats anything but still takes sips of energy drinks throughout the day. I visit her, either in the morning or the afternoon. Because I have been spending so much time at the care home and because Mum has very limited conversational skills it has allowed me the opportunity to get to know the carers and some of the residents. So many residents don’t receive any visitors or, if they are lucky, once or twice a year! This I find abominable and inexcusable! It’s like leaving your close relative (could be parent or grandparent!) to the mercy of strangers and turning your back on them!
I say this because, even though a lot of research might have gone into choosing the ‘best’ care home if funding is available, without periodic checks, a residential home does not offer ’round the clock’ care and ‘needs’ can be missed or overlooked. This is not a criticism of any care home nor any carer, some of whom work tirelessly with insufficient remuneration! This is a sad fact of life!
There are also those who take a step back and leave the visits to one relative, offering minimal support when these visits are often stressful and upsetting. There are also relatives who live in other countries but their support can be given in the form of communication, telephone calls, emails etc. Sometimes just to talk to a close family member or know that they are thinking of you is enough to face the next visit!
So I spend time with some of the residents as well as my mother. I am generous with my hugs and listen to their complaints, concerns and often quite far fetched ‘ramblings’! Depending on their stage of dementia I can’t always understand them but I try to show sympathy or comment when appropriate! I’m not qualified in dealing with dementia but maybe ‘qualified by experience’ counts for something! It is heartbreaking watching some of these poor people and my heart goes out to them as they battle this cruel, wicked disease with no support from family or loved ones!
But I have also been humbled by the care offered by some of the staff. Their patience and kindness shows no bounds. These born carers treat their ‘charges’ with such respect and dignity. A care home is often where humanity begins and ends. This final stage in the battle against what is fast becoming an epidemic, can be hard enough to cope with and comprehend. Performing daily, often embarrassing functions without sympathetic support just doesn’t bear thinking about!
The residents I ‘visit’ come from all walks of life. There are teachers, scientists, authors, doctors, bomber pilots, to name but a few. They were pillars of our society and have been instrumental in paving the way for future generations to enjoy life without world wars or extreme poverty! They have helped and encouraged their children, grandchildren, pupils, patients, to lead fulfilled, happy lives. Yet these same pillars of the community now cry out for help but are so often neglected, ignored and forgotten.
Thank heavens for these ‘angels’ who have chosen this profession of care and who we trust to look after our loved ones. I have watched, while trying to coax my mother to take a drink, the respect they show a blind, deaf man who often becomes confused and cries out for help. I have seen how they take a woman in their arms as she sobs pitifully that her children are at home alone and she needs to get a taxi to feed them. I have seen the way they diffuse an incident when they open a door to a visitor and a few of the residents are waiting with their handbags and jackets, insisting on going home.
Of course not all careers show exemplary behaviour but a number working at my mother’s care home do. This is a comfort because I can’t be with her twenty four hours a day. But I have had to question incidents and have also lodged a few complaints. There have been management changes and most of my concerns have been due to lack of communication.
Life isn’t perfect and neither are care homes. To date my mother’s care, overall, has been fully acceptable. She was a character when she first arrived and could be very ‘feisty’! This has earned her a certain reputation. Being a published author has also allowed her a certain amount of respect. However, seeing her sitting quietly in her chair, showing little interest in her surroundings, dozing in between taking sips of liquid, is heartbreaking. Mum lived life to the full, was an eternal optimist and loved the start of each new, exiting week. Sometimes dwelling on the past has its pluses. The here and now for Mum is not how she would want anyone, especially her children, to remember her! 👠
Jenny Burrell 