Holidays long gone! Christmas and New Year over and we’re into January! The weather is not good and neither am I! And I can’t understand what is causing this malaise!
I woke up on Monday morning, opened the curtains and looked out at a dark grey sky. My mood plummeted and I turned to go back to bed. The alarm clock showed 8:00 am. I really couldn’t justify that! My husband always wakes up after me so he was quietly snoring and oblivious to my dilemma. I closed the curtains and felt my way downstairs, counting thirteen steps so that I didn’t break my neck falling down them!
I needed to shake off this depression! Life could be a lot worse! A close relative had been really ill this time last year and he was doing well! Be grateful! I didn’t have to get up early every morning and fight traffic to get to work! Be grateful for that! My husband was fit and well and I was doing okay for a woman of my ‘advanced’ age! That was a bonus too!
But then I thought about my mother fighting end stage dementia and this was probably the underlying cause. I always knew that this time would come but, when I was shown a report from her doctor on Christmas Eve, it came as a shock! I visit her every day and try to encourage her to drink a glass of complan as she is not eating. Initially I was told that Mum had at most a couple of weeks to live, but she has plateaued and this stage could last indefinitely. No matter how hard I try it is very upsetting to see my mother sitting immobile in a chair, nodding off occasionally, with little or no interest in her surroundings. She hasn’t recognised me for a while. So sad. But Mum is not in any pain or discomfort. I must be grateful for this!
I’m not sure how long the carers spend trying to coax her to take fluids so feel that my daily visits are important. Seeing a loved one in a care home can be stressful even if they are doing well under the circumstances. It’s looking around at the other residents in varying stages of the disease that I find the most disconcerting. Seeing the downhill spiral and wondering if or when your parent or spouse will eventually reach that next stage is not great!
But there is nothing I can do to change this situation and need to just crack on with it! My mother was always a ‘glass half full’ person. When I was worried about something (often!) she’d tell me that, if I could change or fix it, then change or fix it! If I couldn’t, accept it and find a workaround! Sometimes a lot easier said than done! So Mum, I am in a situation that I can’t change or fix! I’m struggling to find a workaround! The best I can hope for is to somehow ring-fence my time with you and carry on living my life as normally as possible! Easier said than done! đź‘
Jenny Burrell 